The Newlydead Game!
(August 16, 1979)
Announcer:
… with the star of our show, Bob Eyebank!
Eyebank:
Thank you, Arnie the Announcer! and welcome to our
show! As you know, on our show we
feature four couples, all of whom have been dead for two years or less. They answer questions as they think their spouses will answer. It’s a lot of fun, and we always have a
surprise or two! So – let’s meet our
newlydead couples for this evening!
Announcer:
Couple Number One, dead just five short weeks, Ferd and
Aphasia Roselawn!
Eyebank:
Welcome, Ferd and Aphasia.
Tell us a little something about yourselves.
Ferd:
Mmmf, ggrugh lhmm shgrptl …
Aphasia (cutting in):
Sorry, Bob, but since Ferd died under a steamroller, he
won’t be talking much tonight. You see,
we died on a construction site; we got carried away in the backseat, and didn’t
realize that it was morning. The
construction crew had arrived and started work.
We heard the rumble of the steamroller.
I was able to get out of the car and run for it, but Ferd’s pants were
around his ankels and he couldn’t run fast enough. He got partway across the parking lot, and …
Ferd:
Rlll krshh expp
nnss …
Aphasia (cutting in to translate):
It was a real crushing experience, Bob!
Eyebank:
But you, Aphasia? You
don’t appear too flattened by the experience.
Aphasia:
Well, Bob, I made it out of the car, but fell into the pit
where the foundation was going to go.
Eyebank:
So, things sort of crept up on you …
Aphasia:
That’s right, Bob.
When we woke up, we were dead.
Announcer:
Couple Number Two, dead three months: Dwayne and Imogene Fitzwallace!
Eyebank:
Hi, Dwayne and Imogene!
How are you?
Dwayne & Imogene:
Fine, Bob, just fine.
Eyebank:
And just how did you two buy it?
Dwayne:
You see, Bob, we were eloping to Miami and had booked a
flight on a 727. We snuck into the
restroom together …
Imogene (blushing):
… to kind of start our honeymoon a little early, you see.
Dwayne (shrugs):
But when the plane crashed, well …
Eyebank:
Down the tubes, huh?
Imogene:
That’s right, Bob.
Announcer:
Couple Number Three, planted only last week, Ralph and Delia
King!
Eyebank:
Hi, there. Hey – you
two look familiar.
Delia:
Could be, Bob. Ralph here is the nephew of Senator Sam Ervin, and I was once Miss Black America.
Could be, Bob. Ralph here is the nephew of Senator Sam Ervin, and I was once Miss Black America.
Eyebank:
I see. Welcome, your
highness! What happened to you two
lovely young people?
Ralph:
Well, Bob, we went backpacking two years ago in the
Rockies. Atop one of the taller peaks, a
blizzard came up. We made our way down
to an old miner’s cabin, but we were snowed in and never got out.
Eyebank:
A pair of corpsicles, eh?
Wait a minute, let me figure this out.
This happened two years ago, you say?
But Arnie here just said you were buried last week. How could this be?
Delia:
Well, Bob, it was a really hard winter. Our tracks were all blown away, and nobody
knew exactly where we’d been hiking.
Eyebank:
So, you were discovered sort of by accident?
Ralph:
That’s right, Bob.
Eyebank:
I guess you could say that that storm really put your
marriage ON ICE!
Announcer:
Couple Number Four, dead a year and two days now, Billy Don
Baker and Cecelia Lewis!
Eyebank:
OK, kids, clue me in.
Were you married or not? I ask
because of the different last names.
Billy Don:
Not yet married, Bob.
But almost. We were engaged …
Cecelia:
Thass right.
Eyebank:
So, were you in a building that burned down? I see your clothes are scorched …
Billy Don:
It was like this, Bob.
Cecelia had actually told me that she wanted to break off our engagement.
Audience:
Aww ….
Billy Don (continuing):
So I got mad and went off to the Magic Rabbit Bar’n’Grill
and just got totally plastered. By
midnight I was so demolished that I had to close my eyes to walk straight!
Cecelia:
We come from a small town, Bob. On this same night, I decided to go for a
walk and think things over. So it was
just a kinda funny coincidence that I ended up walking downtown, in the
neighborhood of the Magic Rabbit.
Anyway, I was walking down the sidewalk …
Billy Don:
And here I come out the back door, drunker than Billy
Carter. I was mad and I wanted a
woman. I stopped to light a cigarette,
and then I saw one!
Cecelia:
It was me, walking past the alley …
Billy Don:
… But I didn’t know who it was, and I pretty much didn’t
care. So I grabbed her and tore her
blouse off –
Cecelia:
– And I grabbed the mace out of my purse and squirted him in
the face with it.
Eyebank:
I can see where this is going. When the mace that you sprayed, hit the end
of his lit cigarette …
Billy Don (nodding):
That’s right, Bob. We
were totally, like, blown away.
Eyebank:
Like the song says, “Come on baby, light my fire!”
Cecelia:
That’s right, Bob.
Eyebank:
Boy, I bet you were really hot under the collar, huh Billy
Don? (Beat.) But, enough of this chit-chat. It’s time to play … THE NEWLYDEAD GAME!
*********
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