Friday, January 31, 2014

So Much for Lois Lane's Return to Krypton!

Ain't that always the way? You go back in time to save Krypton, decide to cut in on Lara and marry Jor-El for yourself (after saving Krypton, of course), and the whole plan just gets shot to **** by some green-skinned alien creep shrinking the gol-darned city!

Boy, in that first panel, doesn't Jor-El look like one of Joe Jackson's “Pretty boys - on my TV screen / Teeth so white and hair so clean” ?

 But now we know what happened -- Krypton is doomed because of the removal of that Anti-Nuclear Ray Tower, built from the plans Lois brought from the future.  That darn ol' Brainiac seems to show up at such inopportune times.  After all, in Superman #141, five years earlier, we learned it was Brainiac's shrinking of Krypton that helped screw up Kal-El's romance with Lyla Lerrol.

WAIT A MINUTE!  Superman (Kal-El) is HERE ON KRYPTON (according to "Superman's Return to Krypton") at the same time that Lois is there (according to this story).  They're watching the theft of Kandor from opposite sides of the city, perhaps!  Why don't they bump into each other and settle down here on Krypton happily ever after? ... the mind boggles ...

WHEW!  Back to THIS tale ...

So, Brainiac's shrinking of Kandor also swept up the handy-dandy Anti-Nuclear Ray that Lois hoped would dampen Krypton's self-destruction.  Crestfallen, Lois decided to return to her Time Machine for one last go ... and, mirabile dictu, the sparkly snow that's falling seems to have recharged the batteries, or something like that. 

Oh, yeah, now that the Time Machine works, why not zip in on Lara and tell her that you're a conniving b*tch from the future?  Surely THAT will make her want to send her baby to your planet!

Isn't it interesting that, as drawn by Kurt Schaffenberger, Jor-El's lab looks like the Kent family home in Smallville?  There are the begonias, the picket fence, the green grass, the wooden siding on the house, the toy wagon and the wooden blocks ...

Am I the only person who notices these things?  BTW, it's a good thing that they don't have Law & Order: SVU on Krypton, or Benson-El and Stabler-El would throw Lois Lane into the Kryptonian slammer for a lo-o-o-ng time.  Don't you know that's child molestation, Lois dear?

Meanwhile, inside their rustic Sears-Roebuck (Kryptonian) house, Jor-El decides to demonstrate to Lara his new Phantom Zone Projector by shooting it randomly through the window --- WHERE THEIR SON IS PLAYING OUTSIDE, PEOPLE!  Hello!

Good thing it disintegrates that scheming Lois and not their dear baby boy!

[deep breath] ... and that, dear readers, is how Lois Lane ended up in the Phantom Zone in our story's opening.  Wasn't it a wild'n'wacky trip?

See you Monday!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I Wonder Who's Kissing Him Now?

These Cheerios ads shared the same storyline as some that ran on TV.  Bullwinkle would get in trouble, doing something dangerous or shortsighted, while he and Rocky the Flying Squirrel were discussing the advantages of Cheerios cereal.  "Everybody should eat Cheerios," Bullwinkle avers, but  *BANG* "They should watch where they're going!" 

I can still hear (in my memory, of course) Bill Scott as Bullwinkle saying, that tagline.  Of course you can go online looking for "cheerios TV commercial Bullwinkle" and hear it yourself!

Fun, silly ads like this always beg one question for me.  If the wacky, fun, silly characters recommending these fine consumer products make such bad choices for everything else they do,  why is their endorsement of a consumer product a GOOD thing for the product's image? 

It's kind of like wondering, If a man in power makes a stupid personal decision regarding sex with a subordinate, and then lies about it, then why should you trust his word for anything else?  You can't compartmentalize character, folks!

Of course, if sidekicks like Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen learned this lesson, then pffft! there would go most of the story springboards for them!

For instance, here we have Lois Lane, stuck in the past, taking the place of Lara (she hopes) on a date with Jor-El, thereby hoping to supplant Lara in the Kryptonian scientist's heart (and lips).

(Remember that Lois travelled here to bring Earth plans for an Anti-Nuclear Ray, to prevent Krypton's self-destruction.)

Now, do you REALLY think that Jor-El thought that "Lo-Ane" (her adopted name) was Lara, his girlfriend?  SHOOT NO -- guy's aren't picky when it comes to smoochin' on a park bench!

But then all the laughter turns to sorrow, when three moons come out, Lo-Ane is revealed, and Lara shows up to lay a Trailer Trash Smackdown (patent pending) on Lois.

But Jor-El seems to not be mad at Lo-Ane.  In leaving with her, he mentions the Anti-Nuke Tower that's going to be turned on tomorrow, built from the plans Lois showed him.

Then, at the opening day ceremony, Bum-bum-BUMMM! The tower and the town it's in, all disappear!  What can it be now?

Find out Friday, with our next installment in our page-by-page march through Lois Lane #59.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Lois Lane, Kryptonian Home-Wrecker!

Continuing our page-by page tour through Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane #59 August, 1965):

Can she be a home-wrecker if she wrecks the home before it is established?  Because that's what seems about to happen.

Lois, stranded in the past on Krypton (see previous posts for the birdbrained reason), now has to decide what to do next.  After giving Jor-El the means to prevent Krypton's destruction (theoretically), she intended to disappear in her Time Machine and return to Earth.  But the shifter rod went out on the darn thing, or something.

It's so obvious!  Since she can't have Superman, why not aim for his father, Jor-El?  Never mind that Jor-El's marriage to Lara is what produced Lois's idol, Superman!

She manages to become Lara's roommate and therefore decides to ruin Lara's beauty treatment before a big date the next evening.

Oops!  She turned the wrong hair green!

That evening, Lois (or Lo-Ane as she styles herself) accompanies Jor-El and Lara to a spiffy dance at a sky palace.

It's interesting that this 1965 story uses a feature of Kryptonian life first introduced (as far as I know) five years ago.  In the landmark tale "Superman's Return to Krypton," in November 1960's Superman #141, Jerry Siegel and Wayne Boring depict a similar anti-gravity night club environment.

This Lois Lane story, written by Otto Binder, aims a little lower than the high drama seen in the Superman tale.

Lois uses her anti-gravity boots to kick up her heels and do the Babootch Boogie.  (I made that up, after one of Superman's most often used exclamations, "Well -- I'll be a three-eyed Kryptonian Babootch!")

Man! talk about super-speed!  Not only does Jor-El "accidentally" throw her off the edge into space, he's quick enough to get his Jet-Car keys from the attendant, hop in, zoom around, and catch Lois in a sort of reverse Ejector Seat!

But on their way home, Jor-El decides to blame "Lo-Ane" for the mishap.  HELLO!  Who tossed whom over the edge?

Anyways, our last panel shows Lois deciding to sabotage another meet-up between Superman's (fate-intended) parents.  That way, Lois will take a walk through the park on Multi-Moon Night with Jor-El, and Lara will show up a day late!

Come back Wednesday to see what happens next!  (Hint:  At the end of the story, there will probably STILL be a Superman for Lois Lane to be the Girl Friend of!)

All original content
© by Mark Alfred