Friday, March 15, 2019

Mazeppa Cures Acne!

            Back in Ye Olden Days before VCRs, I was one of zillions of youngsters who did the next best thing to videorecording.  We held the mic of our cassette recorders to the TV and recorded the audio.

            I did this for Mazeppa’s show, a lot.  Too bad I no longer have any of those tapes!  However, I did replay them over and over.

            One of Mazeppa’s typical tricks was commercials for fake products, in the tradition of Bob & Ray’s fake sponsors.

            For one such spoof, the twisted mind of G. Ailard S. Artain conceived a product which years later would take the world by storm ...

He took the concept of the facial mask one step farther and made a “fake” commercial for a new product.

That product was Duct Tape.

Nowadays, this idea is common!

I can remember, verbatim, a few of the lines.  The camera showed Sartain holding tape to his face, which was then viciously yanked away.  Jim Millaway, Sherman Oaks, crowed, “Your friends will think you’ve hit the wah-wah pedal with our new product.”  Meanwhile, Sartain rolled on the floor holding his face, crying, “wah-wah” like a baby.

You know, these products are alive and well today in such products as BiorĂ© blackhead strips.  So, if you dare, use one of these products.  But don’t forget Mazeppa’s slogan for this product:

Just wrap those pimples in tape ... and tear your troubles away!

See you on Monday for more March Mazeppa Madness!

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

We're All Proud of Gailard Sartain

From the December 14, 1997 Tulsa World:

No, in no way does Sartain look like a leering dirty old man in the photo.  Uh-uh, nope.  What you can't see in the photo is that, unbeknownst to the photographer, Dixon just pinched our hero's butt.

See you on Friday for a premium reminiscence!

Monday, March 11, 2019

Beginning the Tawdry Tale of Markzeppa

And so it was. in my fourteenth year, I prevailed upon Seamstress Supreme Mary Lou to create a Mazeppa outfit.

She took a sheet and dyed it royal blue.  She sewed brocade in the places I indicated.  She added some snaps to hold the front seam closed.  I, even your humble correspondent hisself, made a cone from posterboard bought from TG&Y.  I rolled that cone and taped it into shape.  Then the Ruler of All Sewing made a sheath from leftover bits of that selfsame dyed sheet, to form the wizard's hat.

Behold the finished product with tears of joy!

You can tell that in the first, indoors picture, my glasses were off and I bore a fake 'stache.  But the outdoor photo give you the beauty of it hot, as Eliot says in The Waste Land.

In coming weeks you will see how well that this stupendous bit of tailory has stood the passage of the years.

Come back Wednesday for more March Mazeppa Madness.  Until then . . . LAWZEE!

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© by Mark Alfred