Kryptonuptials
by Mark Alfred
Part the
Second
Seductio ad Absurdum
What would marriage be like for Superman and Lois?
A series of Imaginary Tales (aren’t
they all?) appeared in 1960-1961, in Lois Lane issues 19, 20, 23, and 25,
each with a differing take on the question.
In Lois Lane #19, it seems Superman’s
figured out how to crack the walnut: “I
feared that if I married you, my enemies would seek to strike at me by harming
you! but I’ve thought of a solution ...
as far as the world will know, you’ll be marrying meek, mild Clark Kent! You alone will share the secret of my real
identity! That way your life will remain
safe!” Too bad, but after that
reasonable launch, the rest of the stories in this chain deteriorate into
typical 1960s sitcom, soap-opera situations:
Lana Lang gets hired at the Daily Planet and throws
herself at Superman
Lois can’t stand it when neighborhood housewives brag
on their hubbies while she keeps her
lips zipped
After Clark and Lois adopt the still-secret Supergirl,
a snooping social worker spies Lois asleep on the couch and reports Mrs Kent
for child abuse
The ultimate indignity comes in Lois Lane #25, as the
secret is revealed, and Lois must tool around town in a “bullet-proof,
explosion-proof, and acid-proof” bubblemobile, causing her to “feel like a
goldfish in a bowl!”
Oft-Married, Super-Shy
Some readers may not recollect that Lois is really no
stranger to matrimony. In Superman
#136, of April, 1960, Lois marries X-Plam, a superpowered mutant from the year
2360. When they reach his era, Lois too
becomes affected by disfiguring radiation.
Her new mate sacrifices his own life to get her home to 1960.
In the April, 1962 tale “The Silver Coin of Fate,” in Lois
Lane #32, Lois marries Superman for real, despite Lana’s warnings. After the hitch, we learn the truth that Lana
had deducted: Lois is now married to a
sort of defective Bizarro, described by the real thing as “a perfect Superman
instead of an imperfect imitation! He
had all of my memories and feelings! ... In short, a freak Bizarro!” The cruel twist of fate arrives when,
immediately after the ceremony, Mr Lois Lane suddenly reverts to Bizarro form
and deserts her, to seek a new life on Htrae.
As you may imagine, readers quickly pointed out that,
abandoned or not, Lois was still technically married. But the letter column of August, 1962, issue #35, informed us archly, “The marriage
was declared illegal, on the grounds that the groom had used false pretenses to
win his bride. ... In our courts, a sham of this sort is considered grounds for
an annulment.”
Eight years later, in October, 1970, Lois Lane #105 featured another Lois marriage,
this time to a con on death row who once saved her life, prompting the “Death
House Honeymoon.” But after breaking
out, the fickle fella lets his cronies catch Lois; he changes his mind again
when her life is threatened, dying to save her – she’s a widow again.
Propositional Phrases
There have indeed been times when, for one reason or
another, Superman proposed to Lois. In
January, 1959’s Superman #126, he pops the question and, after Lois agrees, he
peels off a mask to reveal his “true” face, which looks a lot like Alfred E
Neuman! Of course, this face, to, is
false – it’s payback for the way Lois had just ducked a blind date in favor of
Superman! Before the story wraps up,
though, Lois has gone along with the pretense and accepted the Goof of Steel’s
proposal, catching him in his own trick.
Superman avoids a fate worse than bachelorhood by setting a specific
time-and-place for the wedding, then welding Lois into her car with heat vision
until the time has passed. What a
super-jerk!
A couple of years later, in January 1961, Supes proposes
for real. Of course, this seems too easy
for the suspicious Lois, who wonders, “Why is he suddenly proposing out of the blue? There must be a catch!” Well ... it turns out that Super-Romeo is
under the influence of Red Kryptonite.
The spell wears off just before the Man of Tomorrow proves his honesty
by telling Lois his Secret Identity.
When reality sets in, he flies away without even thanking Lois for being
so slow to take him up on his offer (Lois Lane #22).
Lois is similarly unwilling to accept the unbelievable,
in Lois
Lane #41’s “The Devil and Lois Lane” (May, 1963). Old Scratch offers to magically hand
Superman’s affections over to Lois, in exchange for her soul. But she stops the ceremony to reveal that
she’s known all along that Lucifer’s real name is Kal-El, who felt that “Lois
needs a lesson to teach her never to make reckless statements which could get
her into trouble!”
Five years later, in April, 1968, Lois stumbles into a
time machine that wafts her to 2068.
There, she learns that though she’s destined to marry Superman, they
will both die on their honeymoon (Lois Lane #82). When she returns home, she’s horrified as
things seem to line up to make the future history become real, including the
wedding of her dreams. The
after-ceremony attack happens, but the newlyweds avoid becoming the
newlydeads. After a head-spinning series
of “explanations” for the story’s set-up, we learn that Superman had been
forced to propose, and that she’d been given fake news of her future life. After the marriage is annulled, Superman
(unwittingly?) twists the knife by averring, “Darling! The next marriage will
be for keeps!”
In a series of issues from 1968, Lois Lane #85-87, we read
the saga of Cor-Lar, an evil Kandorian who gives Lois superpowers as part of a
scheme to get Superman for herself. The
Metropolis Marvel gleefully makes wedding plans with his now-invulnerable Lois,
but she immediately starts acting crazy, causing her to be banished to
Kandor. However, her bottle prison is
the perfect place to uncover Cor-Lar’s plan.
The superbitch is returned to face Kryptonian justice, and Lois returns
to Earth, just as her artificial superpowers fade away.
Talk about a quick proposal! In Lois Lane #90, February, 1969,
Superman suddenly shows up and orders Lois to drop everything. “Get dressed up as a bride, grab a cab, and
meet me at the License Bureau in City Hall!”
Her heart leaping with joy, she does just that, only to learn that the
whole get-up is a set-up. She’s merely
the bait to trap “Killer” Kraven, who has just escaped from prison. After all, explains Superman, Kraven “once
swore to kill the woman I marry ... on the day of our wedding! ... I knew you’d
go along with the gag, Lois!” What a
gag, folks! Don’t worry, our hero makes
it all better by repeating the same sad line from Lois Lane #82: “Someday you’ll really be Mrs Superman!”
No matter how manipulative and trifling Superman’s
behavior, at other times he really does demonstrate passion for Lois. In December, 1972’s Lois Lane #128, he sends
her to a parallel dimension to watch what happens when he “marries” a robot
standing in for the girl reporter. The
substitute “Lois” is immediately murdered by criminals. When he brings her back to Earth, Superman
tells Lois, “I had to prove to you that marriage to me could be hazardous to
your health!” Her response: “I don’t
care, Superman! I still want to marry
you! Do you think I’d want an ordinary
guy ... like Clark Kent?” “If only she
would,” thinks Supes. If only ...
Tune in the Same Time Next Week,
for the
Exciting Conclusion!
