Kryptonuptials
by Mark Alfred
Part the
Third
Love That Joker!
Sometimes, dear readers, the joke was on us. The greatest example of DC’s sadism appeared
in Lois
Lane #15, February, 1960. “The
Super-Family of Steel” was reprinted in Superman #207, an 80-pg Giant 30th
anniversary blowout.
Read the original cover blurb, and drool in
anticipation: Not a dream! Not a hoax!
Not robots! Gosh – what else is
left? Well, here’s how first-time
readers experienced the story:
A beautiful blue-haired girl is fleeing her past, running
away from HIM. When she falls overboard
from the deck of a cruise ship, she’s miraculously plucked from death by a
familiar caped figure. Smitten with the
idea that he might have lost her forever, the Kryptonian proposes, promising to
reveal “my unknown identity to you.”
Soon they’ve taken up residence on an alien planet, where they raise
super-twins, and his scientific knowledge has given her superpowers, too.
While her husband is on Earth patrol one day, Super-Mom
is infuriated when Lana Lang rubs herself all over her fella. She takes the kids and walks out – er, flies
out. It’s not until Part III of the tale
that the marriage is saved, and the readers enraged. We learn that yes, Lana was smooching Superman. But ...
The bride and groom aren’t Lois and Superman, after
all! He is Van-Zee of Kandor, and she is
Sylvia Dewitt, a rich heiress fleeing an arranged marriage. Each is an exact double of the actual stars
of this comic-book series. It’s with unholy
glee that the editors tell us, “Van-Zee never once called his bride
‘Lois!’ Nor did Sylvia call him
‘Superman!’ ” Man, I’m still hot over
this one, folks. We were played for
suckers.
One runner-up for the poke-in-the-eye derby was a tale in
Lois
Lane #63, from February, 1966. Thrill
to this great situational cover! Here we
see Superman berating Lana and Lois for being so stupid that they couldn’t tell
he and Clark are the same guy, with or without glasses. But wait – when we come to this scene on the
last page, it isn’t even Superman! No, it’s an FBI agent showing off his makeup
expertise. What an idiotic letdown!
(On a side note, this cover exemplifies one of DC Comics’
odd art practices. Kurt Schaffenberger
had become their go-to artist for the Superman’s Girl Friend, Lois Lane
series, and other stories featuring Lois and/or Lana, because management felt
that Schaffenberger drawed them gurls purty.)
So, on the cover of Lois Lane #63, it’s a Wayne Boring
Superman impostor who bangs the door open, while Schaffenberger’s Lana and Lois
react!
While we’re on this long diversion, above is part of the
interior splash panel for Superman #162, the tale of
Superman-Red and Superman-Blue. Note the
heroic Curt Swan Superman and the “pretty” Schaffenberger Lois and Lana.
A Strange Twist of Fate,
Around the Ring Finger
Ahem ... back to the topic of Superman-Lois
matchups. here are my two personal
favorite stories.
In November, 1959, Lois
Lane #13 introduced Superman to Lois’s parents, Ella and Sam, from
Pittsdale. (Let’s hear it, med students,
for Sam-and-Ella! Get it? Salmonella?)
A nosy neighbor overhears Superman tell Lois’s folks, “Lois is a
wonderful girl! She’d make a fine
wife!” Which prompts Mrs Busybody to
hurriedly spread the news that Superman has just asked Lois’s parents for her
hand. In her excitement, the
eavesdropper missed the rest of Superman’s words: “However, I can’t marry Lois! She’d never be safe from my enemies, or have
a happy, normal home life.” However,
before long Pittsdale is abuzz with the false news of an impending
super-wedding. Lois and Supes must
figure out how to get out of a wedding they both want – but not here, not now –
without hurting the feelings of a townful of home folks.
This story is doubly fun because of its subtext: Superman and Lois are perfect partners in
putting this wedding off, because they’re perfectly confident that the real
thing will come along, in its proper time.
Superman #124, cover-dated
September, 1958, featured the fun tale “Mrs Superman.” It opens as Clark and Lois are forced to bail
from the Daily Planet’s damaged Flying Newsroom helicopter, landing on a
small island. The meteor that downed
them is actually Green Kryptonite, and it comes down in the island’s volcano,
prompting an eruption of Green-K dust.
More Green K melts into the magma below the island. Superman realizes, “I’m hemmed in by this
Kryptonite curtain! ... Cut off from the outside world! In plain words, I’M MAROONED HERE FOR LIFE!”
In that case, he figures, why not make the best of
it? He reveals his identity to Lois,
retaining just enough powers to convince her.
They make plans to be married by the chief of the island’s friendly
tribe. The stage is set for wedded bliss
when – oops! – a fissure opens up, draining the Kryptonite from underground,
while the Kryptonite dust overhead is dissipated by the changes in air
pressure. It remains for Clark to
convince Lois that he was faking superpowers, with secret aid from Superman, to
win her heart.
When they’ve safely returned to Metropolis, surprisingly
Lois doesn’t put out underworld hits on Clark and Superman for toying (again)
with her heart. Instead, she reads a Planet
headline about the capture of a deadly crime ring and wonders, “Do you suppose
Superman’s real plan was to keep me away until that gang was safely behind
bars, unable to threaten my life? Then
maybe he ... he really does love me and will marry me someday!”
Say, isn’t this where we came in?
By the way, dear reader, I became very emotionally
invested when Superman married Lois in 1996, because I know firsthand the fulfillment
to be had with a lifelong mate and lover.
And, I think it’s really too bad that those crumbs who own Superman
decided that Our Hero shouldn’t “stay” married, reboot or not.
One thing to be said, though. In current continuity, Lois Lane and Superman
can get married without standing on the Kryptonian Jewel of Truth and Honor!
