Another STAR TREK Plot

I think the people of Athens of 40 AD were a lot like American politicians and media types of the 21st century.
According to Acts 17:21, "For all the Athenians and strangers which were there spent their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear some new thing." (King James version)
Nowadays, we have whole TV channels (E!, CNN, FNC, MTV, etc) devoted to nothing else!
Now, in my storyline for ST:TNG, Riker, Troi, and Data would be leading an Evaluation Away Team on an undercover visit to a planet whose technological level is roughly half-way between ours, and Picard's Federation. The job of Riker's party is to surreptitiously evaluate the social development of the planet's (single) culture. The planet has had contact with the Federation over the past couple of centuries -- off and on -- but only to a small extent. The decision whether or not to offer Federation membership to these people will depend, to a large degree, on Riker's report.
Now, all this is background. The conflict is, somehow Riker & crew are discovered, unmasked, and it falls to the Continental Administrator to decide what to do with them. Local laws may be construed as to call for the Death Penalty. It's up to the ConAdmin to decide.
Picard, on the Enterprise, becomes mostly a spectator, arguing like a defense lawyer with the ConAdmin's staff that his ship (and Federation) have only good intentions in SPYING on the planet.
The problem is, this planet's society is TOO MUCH like Earth 21C (21st-Century Earth that is). Specifically, too much like the worst side of the Media/Politics interface of 21C America. The people of the planet have solved their material needs, so their worldwide economy is mostly driven by the vampirelike spectator audience at home. This planet's culture is the logical extension of 21C-America's Survivor-E! Entertainment News-CNN-Entertainment addiction. The entire culture and political system is built on watching, "waiting for the latest tidbit on mostly anything," as The Message's version of Acts 17:21 states. It's a nightmare combination of YouTube and Entertainment Tonight. George Clooney and Charlton Heston are running the planet! Metaphorically.
So we have a bunch of interplanetary spies -- Riker and crew -- being held captive, on trial for their lives, before a global audience. And the "judge" of this "really big show" is a career politician who is AFRAID TO MAKE A MOVE until he hears the latest polls and focus-group interviews (sound like some politicians we've heard of, yes?).
At the crux, some BIG BAD THING happens -- maybe an asteroid coming in to smite the planet-- and Riker very bluntly takes over the "show trial" as a bully pulpit to make suggestions (ACTUALLY MAKING DECISIONS) that somehow avert the disaster.
Riker's decisiveness impress so much of the worldwide audience that they vote that they would like a leader who actually will lead without asking permission first. They vote to drop the whole polling-goverment thing and take a moratorium on it.
At least, that's what Picard says in the debriefing of his released crew, back on the Enterprise. Also at the debriefing, Troi notes that earlier Federation estimates of this planet's citizens are right in line with what she observed: Very influenced by new ideas, and very imitative. They seemed to seize on Riker's quick man-of-action behavior as a new planetary ideal.
Picard observes, "Well, if they can make such well-implemented decisions as yours, Will, their planet will soon be eligible for Federation membership."
Data puts in, "I would imagine that any administrator could govern more efficiently if he weren't in the habit of sharing the decisions with his subordinates first."
The briefing room goes strangely silent. Data doesn't understnad what the others, and the TV audience, do -- that Picard's Captaincy style is, exactly, one of "sharing the decisions with his subordinates first."
FADE OUT, END OF SHOW.
In case you hadn't figured out, this episode would be a sequel (without saying so) to the ST:TOS episode, "A Piece of the Action," which ended with the inhabitants of Sigma Iotia II finding the communicator left behind accidentally by McCoy. Here we see that the Iotians used it to establish a worldwide communications network, whose instant communications led them to a govermment paralyzed with indecision as at "refreshed" its latest screen with the latest poll numbers.
Also, of course this was framed to make a caustic comment on 20C-21C American media frenzy-style politics, of course.

My Dad's Almost Younger Than Me

A few months ago, in June, my dad had a big ol' birthday. He turned 80!
And if not for the inattention and criminal negligence of some staff members at the Muskogee (OK) VA hospital, Dad would still be playing 9-18 holes of golf the way he did until about three years ago. It's a long story, and I won't go into it here, except to report that under VA treatment he went in for a colonoscopy and came out only after threats from our hometown physician. In the meanwhile, due to lousy care, he woke up all doped up, pulled out all his IVs, had at least one ministroke, and went FOR HOURS without being helped.
Not a good way to treat a WWII veteran, the son of a WWI veteran.
However, as I said, Dad turned 80, and when we drove up for the day and attended his party (organized by a bunch of old gold cronies), I wanted to come up with something "special." So I rewrote Irving Berlin's "Grand Old Flag." If it appeals to you, feel free to share it with your Grand Old Dad.

If I Could Change Some Systems

Sometimes, I wish I could "take over" and peremptorily change a few things. Keep in mind that some of these changes are impossible, given our current technological status. These are just pie-in-the-sky wishes! My main intent is to "force" personal responsibility on people -- a feat impossible in our free-will world!
FOOD AID RECIPIENTS: Anybody who was receiving "food stamps" or the equivalent would , as a condition of the program, submit to up to 12 UNSCHEDULED and UNANNOUNCED Surprise Checks during the year. These checks would test the receipient for traces of alcohol or tobacco consumption. If the recipient showed recent consumption of either (much less any illegal substances), they would be barred from the program for a specified time. RATIONALE: Since alcohol and tobacco must be purchased with cash, their presence in the recipient's system indicates that the person had cash with which to purchase these items. If they have cash to pay for cigarettes and alcohol, then they don't need MY MONEY paying for their food. They have some money, but they're spending it on alcohol or tobacco, not on food!
Similarly, "food stamps" or their equivalent should NOT BE ALLOWED to purchase any forms of "soda pop," or candy/snack items. These are luxury items (by my personal fiat, remember), and "food stamps" should not be used for luxuries.


SPEED LIMITS AND DRIVING: In this section I assume a lot of technology we don't have, so bear with me anyway.
Cars would automatically sense the speed limit (ESPECIALLY SCHOOL ZONES) for any street. They would be allowed to surpass that limit by up to 10 MPH for a total of one minute per hour (in case of needing to pass a slowpoke, etc). The next two further attempts would lead to a 30-second automatic triggering of the car's horn and all lights would flash for 30 seconds. The 3rd attempt would result in the vehicle being automatically locked at 2 miles below the speed limit for 5 miles.

Well, kiddies, that's all the evil, repressive ideas I have for tonight. Tune in next time for more "if I ran the world" ideas.

A Superman Crossword Puzzle

For everyone who didn't make it to SoonerCon 2007, here is the Superman Crossword Puzzle from the Program Book.
Try to solve it before I put up the solution in a day or so!

Yes, Virginia, There Once Were Comic-Book Letter Columns

Long ago, when the world was less gross and more green (from the late 1950s through the 1990s), comic books devoted a page of their precious page count to letters from comics fans. People might ask questions about a certain storyline, or why a character did "Y" in this story when he did "X" in a similar situation last year.
As a big fan of Superman, I remember reading letters from a guy named E. Nelson Bridwell, who grew up and moved to New York to become DC's resident brain trust. I remember Clark Kent's Social Security Number being given in ACTION #340 (092-09-6616).
In the 1990s, the Superman titles began, just for fun, to hand out a "Baldy" Award to one letter each month. It might be for nearly any reason -- indepth analysis, a subtle observation, a wry joke -- and part of the "fun" and "mystery" was that, unless you won a Baldy, you didn;t know what it was!
Well, since then, the penny-counters have decided that the goodwill of fans was worth less than another ad page. Besides, let 'em use the internet, right?
I believe the folks who made this decision were never fanboys who wrote to lettercols. There is NOTHING LIKE seeing your name in print, on paper, in a favorite comic book!
Anyway, *sigh*, those days are gone, for now.
But I CAN solve the mystery of the Baldy Award. I won three, and they are reproduced herewith. As walter brennan used to say on the old TV show The Real McCoys, "No brag, jest fact." Of course, I also agree with you that it's a pretty small achievement. Yet it was a joyh to receive the things in my mailbox.
And to quote another great philosopher (Robert Browning this time), "Every joy is Gain, and Gain is Gain, however small."

The last poems of this summer

We seem to finally have broken the back of summer's heat. In celebration of evenings that are finally cool enough to sit outside, here are a couple of summer poems to say GOOD RIDDANCE to this past miserable, hot, sweaty, sticky summer...

770

Nature by trade -- a singer is
Of minstrel songs -- by day --
Her lyrics often lose the ear --
But not her melody --

At eventide -- she croons alone
With only few to hear --
Her music -- flees from chimney towns --
Just visits -- at the stair --

The morning -- is her overture --
Bright noon -- her symphony --
A ballad soft -- the afternoon --
The night -- her lullaby --

Her rondeau is not silent -- now --
Her waltzes still appear --
But none will read her posted bills --
And who will pay -- to hear --



782

A cloud marched down one summer’s day --
She stopped above my room --
She called me to come play with her --
To splurge the afternoon --

I cannot come, I said to her --
I cannot leave my chair --
You should not spurn me, said the cloud --
And left me cheerless there --

She curtsied shyly to the sun --
Please Sir, she said, to play?
The gruff but kindly gentleman
Said, Not till end of day --

I walked outside at sunset time --
Tinged purple -- touched with red --
There sun and cloud, in western skies,
Stole softly down -- to bed --

An observation, in verse

A child is such an unformed soul --
Its world is bordered close
By limits that his parents set,
Not knowing that they chose

song, "A Perfect Place"

Have you ever dreamed of a perfect place (you could live)
A place where peace and gentleness were no disgrace (what would you give)
Well, everybody needs a place like that
But I say it isn’t a dream
A place where good times will never go flat
And friendship is all that it seems

Did you ever long for a perfect home (you could go)
A playroom that is bigger than the Astrodome (and fun could grow)
Want to find it? I can show you how
Yes you really can get there from here
The home you’re looking for is waiting now
Where welcome and joy cast out fear

If life is just a race for you
You’re running to nowhere
My father has a place for you
And you can join us there

My brother’s there -- he’s building you a room (to call your own)
And all your trials he’s weaving like a loom (to build your throne)
He’s got piercings and he did it for you
So you could graduate from this place
He’s using this song as a call for you
His love is something we can only call “grace”


Come join his caravan of life
You’ll find it quite exciting
Forget your worries, fears, and strife
He’ll find you where you’re hiding

And then you’ll go with me to that perfect place (I’ll see you there)
And you can’t help but have a joyful, smiling face (there’s joy to spare)
So take my hand upon the upward climb
We’ll hold each other up, so neither will fall
Don’t worry if you stumble, it is not a crime
And at the top the view pays for it all –
Now you won’t have to dream of a perfect place . . .

Ten Times as Big as a Man!

My three 1/2-year-old granddaughter, Jazra, has been educated well. When offered a choice between the original (1933) King Kong, the 1976 barfish remake, or Peter Jackson's stupid remake, she picks good ol' Obie's ape time after time.
The last time I was loading the disc, I was reminded of the King Kong that I grrew up with, a little cartoon by Rankin-Bass (I think) called King Kong, and based on the "high concept" pitch, "Let's redo Jonny Quest, only make Bandit be King Kong instead!"
Now, I don't know if it was pitched to ABC execs that way, but that's the concept in a nutshell. This boy, his scientist dad, and a friend travel the world, finding adventure, without leaving any discernable signs of piles of monkey poop.
My memories of the King Kong cartoon series consist of two parts. First, there was an episode set in Scotland, where Kong ended up wrestling the Loch Ness monster, which was a yellow-and-orange quadruped resembling none of the actual sightings of the beast.
Memory number two consists of the theme song, belted out by a guy whose singing voice was the gravelly equivalent of the speaking voice of Lurch on The Addams Family:
"King Kong, you know the name of
King Kong, you know the fame of
King Kong, ten times as big as a man!"

PS. Anybody remember Al Hirt? The 60s trumpet virtuoso? Well, he released an album called The Horn Meets the Hornet, where he covered various TV themes, such as Batman, Get Smart, and The Green Hornet (in fact the cover photo is of Hirt with Hornet star Van Johnson). One of the tracks on this LP is a thundering version of the King Kong theme.

The Final Part of "The Colors Out of Space"

Silver Kryptonite. The cover blurb for Jimmy Olsen #70 promises that "Nobody … but nobody … will guess … 'The Secret of Silver Kryptonite'!" Well, don’t tell Mort Weisinger's ghost, but … I did.
This story is a masterful study in induced paranoia. Jimmy Olsen runs around to the curator of the Superman Museum, mermaid Lori Lemaris, Supergirl, and Clark Kent, asking the same thing -- is there such a thing as Silver Kryptonite? what about Silver Kryptonite? After all this, Superman starts wondering too -- especially since he didn't think there was such a beast. He trails Jimmy to a special lead-lined lair staffed solely by Professor Potter. While all those secret things are going on that he can’t observe, the Man of Steel is going crazy with suspense, and maybe even a little fear. I mean, sure, Jimmy and Potter are his friends. But why are they so interested in Kryptonite -- especially this new, mysterious variety? Finally, though, all is revealed: "There is no substance as Silver Kryptonite! This is just a silver box containing statuettes of your closest friends on Earth!"
But why? Here's a clue: Jimmy Olsen #70 is the July, 1963 issue. It's the year of this issue that clinches things: "It's the 25th anniversary of the day you adopted Metropolis as your official home,. Superman," in June, 1938's Action #1. The only thing is, in those 25 years, nobody has aged much, have they?

But, wait -- there's more! Here are a few lesser, one-shot Kryptonite appearances:
Action #277 tells how Luthor generates a trap for Superman involving yard-wide floating globes of Kryptonite: "My machine can manufacture synthetic Kryptonite of any kind," he gloats, including "another one -- Yellow Kryptonite! If Superman ever got within range of its deadly radiations, who knows what bizarre effect it might have on him?" But it turns out that all the Kryptonite, even the Yellow kind, is fake -- all part of a hoax to scare and humiliate Superman.
The Supergirl tale in the same issue depicts the Maid of Might's arrival, accompanied by Krypto and Streaky, at an odd planetoid that generates strange things and creatures at random, much as on Star Trek's "Shore Leave" episode. It turns out that the place is the automated "Headquarters of the Interplanetary Multi-Dimensional Practical Jokers' Club." It can, among other things, grant wishes. So when Supergirl encounters a Green K fragment, she wishes. "Wishing Well, I wish the Green Kryptonite below to change into harmless False Kryptonite -- forever! My super-vision reveals the wish worked!"
Several times, artificial forms of Green K have been concocted. In Action #226, Luthor uses an atom smasher to develop a synthetic isotope of Kryptonite." And World's Finest #132 tells how, on an adventure in the past, a Batman imposter gets a medieval alchemist to brew up a bunch of synthetic Kryptonite. As they say, kids, don't try this at home!
Jimmy Olsen #92 tells how Truff, an invader from the planet Pyron, is paving the way for a full-scale invasion of Earth. One of his weapons is the dreaded Magno-Kryptonite: "Its magnetic properties make it cling with unbreakable force to anything that comes from Krypton." Boy! Talk about static cling!
Well, friends, thus runs the tale of the many forms of Kryptonite. I hope you learned something to impress your friends with. So, the next time you visit your old neighborhood and find that your favorite vacant lot or playground has been turned into a Walgreen's or a weight-loss clinic, remember that it could be worse. Be glad your whole block wasn't turned to Green Kryptonite!

Panels and Pixels: A sad state of affairs

Panels and Pixels: A sad state of affairs

Part 5 of "The Colors Out of Space"

Kryptonite-Plus. Action #350 tells the tale of The Heroes, a musical group that plays dressed as Green Arrow, Green Lantern, Batman, and Supergirl. But they do more than sing: During breaks at their gigs, they steal from their hosts, nabbing such things as "Carter Hagen's valuable mineral collection." When Supergirl tumbles to their racket and busts in, the fake Green Arrow pulls out some "Kryptonite-Plus from the mineral collection we stole. It's a super-powerful isotope of Kryptonite that will finish her off in minutes!" Need I explain that the Maid of Steel escapes?

Jimmy Olsen #126's cover story featured "The Riddle of Kryptonite Plus," not hyphenated. However, there really ain't no such animal. Jimmy, on the moon with another astronaut, comes across Superman's body sprawled on a pile of multi-colored rocks which Jimmy assumes are "some sort of ultra-Kryptonite." But it's all a scam, part of an elaborate, though doomed, deception by a group of super-powered aliens trying to invade Earth. And that's the last we hear of Kryptonite Plus, with or without a hyphen.

Anti-Kryptonite. When those nasty old Vrangs landed on the floating charnel house that once was Argo City, before their encounter with Jewel Kryptonite as described above, they didn't reckon that they were standing on the universe's only known specimen of Anti-Kryptonite.
Anti-K came about, I suspect, to cover another of those sloppy continuity errors I mentioned earlier.
Y'see, in Action #309 Supergirl learns about the Argo City religious nut, Jer-Em. As we al know (or should know), the soil of Argo City became Green Kryptonite in Krypton's explosion; only Zor-El's handy-dandy stockpile of lead sheeting saved its citizens. Later on, as we learn in this issue of Action, Argo city drifted into a yellow-sun system like our own, thus giving everyone super-powers. Then Jer-Em is alarmed and proclaims, "The Gods of Krypton would have given you wings if you were meant to fly!" (I am not making this up, I promise!)
Then, using his own powers, he flies (!) out of the protective dome and below the protective lead. Putting his hands on the bare Kryptonite rock, he super-shoves Argo City back towards its red sun before boogying back inside. Then, for the "crime" of taking away their super-powers, the frustrated Argo Citizens zap Jer-Em into the Phantom Zone. This was in Action #309.
Well sir, in Action #317 a sharp-witted reader wrote in to ask how Jer-Em had survived that long exposure to the Kryptonite below Argo City. The response? "Obviously, this was a freak type of Anti-Kryptonite which affected only non-super Kryptonians."
Oh. Obviously.
Anyway, Action #371 reiterates this doctrine, when recounting the death of Morina, Kara's childhood friend: "That Anti-Kryptonite, which could kill Kryptonians without super-powers, was to destroy all life in Argo City some years later!"

... And Now, a Note Concerning STAR TREK ...

Let It Die
(tune of Beatles' "Let It Be")
February 19, 2005
by Mark Alfred



When I find myself in fear for Trekdom, William Shatner comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, Let it die
And when a show is canceled, he is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, Let it die

Let it die, let it die, let it die, let it die
Whispered words of wisdom, let it die

And when the broken hearted geeks and Trekkies learn to get a life,
They won't die of cancer -- Let it die
For though Trek may be canceled they can always find a job or wife,
Learn to be a dancer -- Let it die

Let it die, let it die, let it die, let it die
Learn to sing and dance, and let it die

And when the Trek is over, there is still a world alive out there,
The sun will shine tomorrow, Let it die
So move out of your mother's basement, learn to shave and wash your hair,
Learn these words of wisdom, Let it die.

copyright © 2005 by Mark Alfred

Part 4 of "The Colors Out of Space"

Blue Kryptonite. This is Bizarro Kryptonite. Its infrequent history begins in Superman #140's three-part "Son of Bizarro" novel. To prevent an angry Bizarro army's invasion of Earth, Superman uses Luthor's confiscated Duplicating Ray on Green K, correctly surmising that the product will be just a dangerous to Bizarros as the real stuff is to him. The resulting Blue K stockpile scares off the Bizarros, the only casualty being the story's heavy, a Bizarro Supergirl.
The only other appearance of Blue K is in Superman #423 when Bizarro No. 1 destroys his world and then uses Blue K to kill himself after wiping a city blockful of Metropolis citizens.


Jewel Kryptonite, aka Kryptonite Six. Action #310 tells how Lori Lemaris and the merfolk of Atlantis are stricken with a strange spotted plague. Jax-Ur of the Phantom Zone talks Superman into a 24-hour parole, saying he can cure the Atlanteans. Their quest take Jax-Ur and Superman into Krypton's past, where the criminal drugs Superman long enough to sneak to the nearby Jewel Mountains and treat a huge gem there with a strange ray. "Because my device has transmuted its elements, this mineral will be transformed into a new form of Kryptonite with incredible powers!"
After their return to Earth and the curing of the Atlanteans, Jax-Ur returns to the Zone, where his plot thickens. After Superman encounters the Jewel K that has now drifted to Earth, things start blowing up whenever Superman nears them. To his horror, Superman concludes that "Jewel K may be causing me to detonate any explosive material that I approach!"
Little does he suspect that the explosions of all those oil tanks, sea mines, and rockets have been in fact caused by the Phantom Zoners. "That chunk of Jewel K in orbit magnifies our mental commands and converts them into energy beams which detonate any explosive material we desire." Yes, it was all a scheme to blackmail Superman into letting them out of the Zone. But the Man of Steel tumbles to their scheme and throws the orbiting chunk into the sun. As he tells Supergirl, "That was a close call! The power of Jewel Kryptonite might have helped the Phantom Zone criminals take over the Earth!" If only Superman had also destroyed the first, tiny pieces he'd encountered! 18 years later, in 1982, some Phantom Zoners track down that small piece, hurled into space by Superman long ago. A few, led by General Zod, escape the Zone. They then confuse Superman by not fighting him but asking for his help against the Vrangs, an alien race which once enslaved Krypton (as earlier told in Superman #176). After a long battle (Action #548-549), the Vrangs are finished and the Zoners then turn on Superman. But he has been ready for this, and manages to return them to the Zone, finishing the saga of Jewel K by pulverizing the last fragment.

X-Kryptonite. Superman isn’t the only one looking for a Kryptonite antidote. Action #261 tells how Supergirl nabs a piece of Green K. In the sort of continuity error frequent in Supergirl stories, she discovers that "friction with the air has reduced it to about the size of a marble!" (Experts like you and me know that Green K does not burn up in the atmosphere, remember?) She tries various chemicals on the deadly fragment to no avail; so she super-tosses it with a pair of lead tongs into some nearby woods.
That night, a cute cat Linda has named Streaky comes across the Kryptonite fragment. Soon "he is absorbing mysterious rays from X-Kryptonite, something new under the sun, accidentally created by Linda when she had experimented with the chemicals!" After surprising Linda with his newfound powers, Streaky soon loses them again as the X-K wears off.
In future issues Streaky repeatedly acquires his on-again/off-again powers until, eventually, they seem to stick, enabling him to join the 30th century's Legion of Super Pets.
Since not even Streaky ever figured out the source of his powers, that little piece of X-Kryptonite may still be out there, waiting to give someone super-powers. Say, do you suppose President Reagan had come across the stuff just before Hinckley took a pop at him with his pistol?

The Next Part of "The Colors Out of Space"

White Kryptonite. In White K's first appearance, in Adventure #279, we learn that White K has no effect on Kryptonians -- or anyone else! Instead, in Superboy's words, "The rays are deadly to plants of all worlds and will turn them to dust in a few seconds! … It was Green Kryptonite until it met a space cloud and turned into something I never knew existed … White Kryptonite!"
With such odd effects, White K has turned up in some outré tales.
Action #278 describes the advent of "The Super-Powers of Perry White," wherein the Daily Planet editor eats a strange fruit that first gives him super-powers, but soon takes control of his body and will. As Xasnu the Zelmian says through Perry's lips, "I landed as a spore, grew into a mature plant, and developed fruits which an Earthling ate! As the substance spread through his bloodstream, he first acquired super-powers … and then … I finally acquired complete control of his body and mind!" (I thought I just said that.) Yes, Xasnu is the vanguard of an invasion of Earth by plant intelligences.
In only a terrifyingly short time, Xasnu/Perry has tracked Superman down to his Fortress of solitude and beaten him to a standstill. As his enemy approached with Green K, Superman acknowledges to himself, "The fiend … he's won the final round. I have no defense now …" But suddenly, like the proverbial cavalry over the hill, Supergirl bursts through the wall with a chunk of White K that destroys the alien and leaves Perry unharmed. A dramatic ending to a superior story.
Action #362-366 feature the Virus X saga, wherein Superman contracts this deadly Kryptonian plague. After frantically seeking a cure, the Man of Steel bids a last farewell to earth before launching himself in a rocket to destroy his contagion-ridden body in the star "Flammbron, mightiest solar system in the universe, whose incandescent, neutronic flames match the heat of a thousand normal suns" (Action #365). However, but a Strange Twist of Fate, his rocket takes him past Htrae, the Bizarro world, whose inhabitants pay tribute to the universe's mightiest hero thuswise: "It am Superman's flying coffin! Him going to die! Yippee! Us help him die faster by scattering Red and White Kryptonite near him! It make him happy!" And, by golly, Superman is indeed very happy when the White K kills the Virus X infection, curing him.
13 years later, in 1981, Supergirl also contracts Virus X, although Superman quickly cures her with a "White Kryptonite-powered healing ray" in his Fortress (Superman #365).
In Superman #371, the empty display replica of Kandor is taken over by a new race of miniature squatters, space refugees from a dead world. Superman enlarges two of them to try to find a way to enlarge the rest, but common Earth germs cause allergic reactions in his guests. "Once I knew what was afflicting you," says Superman after making them all better, "I exposed you to the sample of White Kryptonite I keep here," thus destroying "the microorganisms that had invaded your bodies!"
Say, come to think of it, why doesn’t the government try a chunk of White K on AIDS -- or the common cold?

Part 2 of "The Colors Out of Space"

Red Kryptonite. The wild card of the bunch. Red K is nothing but Green K that has passed through a strange red cosmic cloud (Superman #174). It has strange, wild, unpredictable effects that are sometimes bad and sometimes fortunately timed.

The ground rules: Every piece of Red K has a different effect, but each piece will have the same effect on any Kryptonian, as in Superman #144, when a cloud of Red K dust gives Superman, Supergirl, and Krypto all the same nightmare -- that Earth has been destroyed due to Superman's carelessness. Another example is in Action #286, when the members of Wexr II's Superman Revenge Squad try out pieces of Red K on Krypto to see how Superman will be affected. Boy, talk about unethical experimentation on animals!

A distinctive tingling sensation -- perhaps the inspiration for Marvel's creation of Spider-Man's "spidey-sense"? -- gives an after-the-fact notice that a Kryptonian has been exposed to Red K. But its duration is only temporary, from 24 to 72 hours. And, happily, each piece of Red K can affect an individual only once -- unless a good script demands otherwise!

Superman has stockpiled some Red K samples with known properties in his Fortress of Solitude (Action #284). At the end of 1963, a reader calculated that more than 56 varieties had been featured (Action 307). Look out, Mr. Heinz, we're gaining on you!

Red K effects can range from the dramatic -- turning Superman into a Kryptonian Drang (Action #303) or giving humans super-powers via Supergirl's kiss (Action #290) -- to the subtle, such as giving Superboy an extra finger on each hand (Superboy #105).

Here is a brief chronicle of Red K madness:
Action #293 splits Superman into a human Clark Kent and an amoral Superman. In Action #311-312, pouring acid on the same Red K reinstates its effect, but making the change permanent! Thus, a heroic but all-to-human Kent soon finds himself leading a guerilla war against a tyrant Superman who has conquered the planet. A very well-written two-parter with a twist at the end.

Action #317 describes "The Rainbow Faces of Superman," wherein he turns green with envy, purple with rage, and so on.

Superboy #101 chronicles Krypton's transformation into a collie bitch who even gives birth to super-powered puppies! When you combine Red K with time travel, anything can happen. Red K has turned Superboy into the inspiration for Egypt's Sphinx; a human magnet who helps Arthur draw Excalibur from the stone; and Jesse James's double (Superboy #103). Soon after, in Superboy #111, Krypto's Red K time travels change the Dog of Steel into the Roc of Sinbad's tale; a South American llama; and Mrs. O'Leary's cow, in which guise he starts the great Chicago fire!

Riding on 2-Wheelers with Boxes

My friend Jon Powell, who has recently moved with his lovely wife and two precocious kids back to her home country of South Korea, recently regaled us with the story of their experience packing to move. This made me want to share OUR family’s story of packing and moving – although we’ve live in the same house for 28 years!

In 1978, when we moved in, it was a typical house in our neighborhood – a wood frame house about 972 square feet. But we’ve built on, twice now, for kids’ and grandkid’s sakes. In 1990, we added onto the back of the house so that the 3-bedroom, 1-bath home was now 4-bedroom, a dining room, and 2 baths.

In 2003, we added on a second time. This time we added two 16 x 24 (approx.) rooms – a study and a guest/sewing room, and a ¾ bath.

Well, we were all set to move things into the new area after construction when we found termites in the “old” part of the house. The original 1930s house had a crawlspace, but the 1990 add-on was on a slab. Without a crawlspace, the exterminators had to work “from the top.” This meant that we had to get EVERYTHING out of the 1990 addition. So we packed and stacked and moved everything into the newest (2003) part of the house.

Then, after the termite treatment, we had to unpack everything and replace it into the 1990 part of the house (leaving some stuff still boxed, natch, since it was destined to end up back in the newest part).

Then after the 2003 add-on was empty, we could concentrate on putting furniture, etc into it as we had originally planned.

So our glorious move-in was delayed by $3000 and a month of back-and-forth shuttling.

However, these present tribulations are not worthy to be compared with the glory to come! Or even with the glory of having all the books out of the attic and on honest-to-gosh bookshelves!

The Colors Out of Space, Part 1

Thomas Wolfe called one of his novels You Can’t Go Home Again. Well, Superman has gone Wolfe one better. Not only can Superman not go home again, pieces of home keep following him around, trying to kill him!
As Superman tells us in 1959's "The Curse of Kryptonite" (Superman #130), "Kryptonite is my Achilles Heel … the only substance in the universe that can harm me! It was originally formed years ago when the planet Krypton, the world on which I was born, blew up! A nuclear chain reaction converted every chunk of the exploding world into Green Kryptonite!"
As we will later see, different swarms of Green K meteors passed through different-colored space clouds, creating other forms of Kryptonite, although the lettercol of Superman #243 assures us that "they are all isotopes of the same element."
But before getting down to those specific types of Kryptonite, here's a general rundown of the element, as gathered by yours truly from a few hundred issues of Superman, Action, Superboy, and a few other titles.
Kryptonite was drawn to Earth in the wake of the space-warp drive created by Jor-El for baby Kal-El's rocket (Action #500). It has strong radioactive characteristics, and this fact has from time to time inspired scientists to attempts Green K-powered engines, as in Action #224, Superboy #65, and World's Finest #76 -- not to mention the Green K-powered atomic heart of John Corben, Metallo (Action #252). However, oddly enough, Kryptonite radiation only bodes harm for Kryptonian creatures (except for White K and Blue K, as described below). Luckily for Superman and other Kryptonians, just about any intervening amount of lead -- even as thin as tinfoil -- can completely block all Kryptonite radiation; in Action #278 Superman builds a lead suit that he continued to use on occasion through the years.
When passing into our atmosphere, Kryptonite "didn't burn up in Earth's air like ordinary meteors because Kryptonite can’t combine chemically with oxygen, which cause combustion" (Superman #130). However, as told in Action #283, Action #412, and other texts, Kryptonite can be chipped, melted, and otherwise manipulated. Thus, it is clear that Kryptonite is the one remnant of Krypton that does not become invulnerable in Earth's environment. "As we have shown in various stories throughout the years, Kryptonite can be broken, melted, pulverized into dust, and dissolved by acid" (Action #296 lettercol). Lois Lane #28's lettercol -- from the year 1961 -- informs us that "Kryptonite fragments lost their invulnerability when they passed through the green cosmic cloud which made them harmful to people born on the planet Krypton." Notice how that statement, danger-caused-by-cloud, contradicts the text from Superman #130, two years earlier. As time went by, the settled DC doctrine became that the basic, damaging effects of Kryptonite on Kryptonians was caused by the nuclear explosion making the stuff radioactive. As time went on, and other varieties of Kryptonite were introduced, the idea was promulgated that the difference in colors and effects were caused by different colored space clouds, which changed an already dangerously radioactive element into various forms with different effects on their hapless Kryptonian victims.
Now -- down to specifics, where we may find as many exceptions as there are rules!

Green Kryptonite. The grandpappy of 'em all. This is the variety first encountered by Superman when he was eight or nine years old, "in the very first year of my career," as told in a tale reprinted in Superboy #165. Found by Pa Kent near where Kal-El's rocket had crashed, it was put in Clark's room with his mineral collection. Soon the Kents were watching in horror as their supposedly invulnerable son weakened and sank into the delirium now known as Kryptonite Fever. Only the accidental interposition of Clark's first Superboy robot, whose inner workings contained lead, saved the Boy of Steel.
From time to time, criminals have used Green K's lack of harmful effects on humans to cruel advantage. (Yes, before the reboot in 1986 of Superman, Kryponite's radiation had no effect at all on anybody except Kryptonians! -- except Blue and White K, as listed below.) In Action #249, Lex Luthor swallows a serum derived from a dissolved Green K meteor to become "The Kryptonite Man." In Action #349, a Dr. Kane takes a Green K transfusion, enabling him to also exude deadly Kryptonite rays.
Many "older" fans may fondly recall the Kryptonite Kid, who with his pet dog passed through a Green K cloud in space that gave them Midas-like transmutation powers. In his first encounter with Superboy in Superboy #83, he first turns Smallville High into Green K, then Clark's entire block! Only the intervention of young Master Mxyptlk saves Superboy and Krypton. The Kid and his green mutt return in Superboy #99, but Superboy tricks them into flying through a Red K cloud that turns them temporarily good (!). Next, the Kid appears in an extended dream sequence in Superboy #128 and is not seen again until, as a grown-up Kryptonite Man, he expires in a mutual death struggle with Krypto in Action #583's "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?"
In 1971, Superman #244-242 told a long tale that was intended by editor Julie Schwartz to strip away some of Superman's more godlike powers. One of the plot factors involves an experiment gone awry that somehow turns all Green K on Earth into harmless iron. However -- as later tales illustrated -- there was still plenty of Green K in outer space. For instance, World's Finest #196 tells how "a gigantic meteor shower covers the entire country" with enough Green K to fill a boxcar.
More Green K factoids: Many texts have established that Kryptonians cannot build up an immunity to Green K (Action #262), but on occasion Superman has hypnotized himself to feel and show no pain during brief exposures (Action #278 and 377).
The boy Lex Luthor created a successful Green K antidote that now is lost (Superman #173 and 292); and by 1959, Superman calculated that he had tried 855,019 different formulae for a Kryptonite antidote -- without success.
A 1961 H-bomb test sent Kryptonite into many time eras in the past (Action # 274).
"Just as there is 18-karat gold and 14-karat gold, Kryptonite comes in various 'proofs,' ranging from 100 percent to 30 percent" (Action #310 lettercol). Jimmy Olsen #81 tells how aliens imprison Superman in a force field, demanding Green K as ransom. But Jimmy outsmarts them by collecting "at least 50 tons of the deadly stuff! … I figured that just as a small amount of electricity can kill someone, but a colossal charge can't … a super-abundant amount of Kryptonite might not kill Superman!" And, jeepers, he's right!

Buddy's All Better Now

We had a bad scare the first of the week with Buddy, the dog Julie bought for Jazra. He was born on April 3rd, which makes him 4 ½ months old, and he had had no shots.
He was fine Friday & Saturday…but on Sunday night he looked like a scarecrow of himself. So I took the poor guy to Awesome Pet Care, about two stops east of Americrest/Coppermark bank. Come to find out he had Parvo, a virus which is often deadly. Out of the 3 alternatives the vet lady gave us, I chose the 2nd (not the $600 or the $150 choice, but the $400 choice). This means they kept him overnight and put him on IVs and meds.
When I left Buddy there, he was basically a ragdoll. He was weighed at 27.6 pounds. No tail wags, nothing. When I picked him up the next evening, he came walking, and wagging his tail. The doc gave us some meds (antibiotic pills and paregoric drops) and some “bland” dog food. When we got him home he was happy to be home but pretty rickety. He wasn’t interested in eating anything.
When Matthew & I pulled into the driveway in BlueBelle with Buddy, Jazra came flying out the front door. It did my old heart good to see how happy she was, and how Buddy perked up a bit when he saw/sniffed her.
We put him in the bathroom upstairs overnight. We covered the vinyl floor with newspapers and left a blanket and toys in there with him.
In the morning we found that Buddy had had "problems." Poor pup! So we put him outside for a little bit as I, even I, old Mark, cleaned it all up.
By later on that day, Buddy was so much his old self that we decided to let him sleep outside from now on! By the next day Buddy had got his appetite back some, and Thursday he was eating some of the dry dog food, along with his “gourmet” canned stuff.

Now, a week later, the ol' Bud is back to roly-poly rambunctiousness! And definitely grown since the picture above was taken a couple of months ago!

A Little Filk Music

I confess, I'm guilty too!

“Cave at Wayne Manor”
(by Mark Alfred)
(to the tune of “House at Pooh Corner”)


Commissioner Gordon and I walked alone,
While the Bat-Signal shone like the moon.
He came to me asking how we could chase
All those wackos from town very soon.
But the traffic was backed up in Gotham Town Square,
’Cause the Penguin was fighting the Catwoman there --

So help me if you can, I’ve got to get
Back to the Cave at Wayne Manor by dark,
So I can chase costumed goons from the park:
Sheathe all the Catwoman’s claws,
Put Riddler’s riddles on pause,
Back to the Cave with Alfred and Robin, that’s who.

Alfred is ill, needs a Mr. Freeze pill;
Poison Ivy’s got Bane on a leash.
Robin’s been conned by a Batsuited blonde --
She can fight, though she looks quite the dish.
And while diamonds are Freeze’s best friends, Ivy’s cute --
Though I can’t stand her friend in the pro-wrestler’s suit!

So help me if you can, I’ve got to get
Up to the telescope ’fore the flick’s done;
Meanwhile, keep dodging that icicle gun.
Bring down some sunshine from space --
Next comes a Bathound named Ace?
Oh for the days of just Batman and Robin,
Fighting mere crimelords of Gotham with Robin,
Cut down the cast list to “Batman and Robin,” that’s who!


Copyright © 1997 by Mark Alfred