OCU’s Press
Club sponsored an annual skit night, Keshena Kapers. Any organization was allowed to put on a
short musical skit.
Our gang of
wacky Methodists decided that we didn’t want the fraternities and sororities to
have all the fun. We decided we, too,
could (a la Judy Garland and Mickey
Rooney) put on a show!
A big
cultural influence, in those days, was Channel 5 KOCO-TV’s airing of Star
Trek at 4PM on weekdays. In
those pre-VCR days, it was a wonderful experience to hang around in the lobby
of your dorm with a half-dozen other folks, all watching Gene Roddenberry’s
communal sci-fi gospel.
Combine
those two aspects of life – religion and TV SF – and you’re predestined (get
it?) to come up with an idea like ours, which intentionally emulated Trek’s
“Patterns of Force” or “Bread and Circuses”:
We crosswired Trek and a Bible story.
The main
collaborators are as listed. However, it was my idea to insert
Gilbert-and-Sullivan songs as the musical meat, and it was I who rewrote the
lyrics – and
here
is the post on Spock’s Record Round-Up, in which I share the actual
children’s record which taught me the songs!
Our skit
was directed by Shelley Williams, with intense coaching from
Dale Thele, with piano accompaniment
by ... I don’t remember!
Below is
the program, with my notations of who won the prizes. *sigh*
not us, darn it!
Following is the text of STAR TRACK, half today
and the rest next week.
STAR TRACK
by Mark Alfred, Stephen Smith, Mary Len Gillingham, and Scott Tyra
Voice of CAPTAIN KROOK: Space:
a mindless frontier. These are
the voyages of the spaceship
Paralyzed. Its mission:
to destroy strange, new worlds; to seek out new strife, and new limitations;
to rush in where angels fear to tread.
(Music; up curtain.)
(Lights up on Captain Krook, Mister Spot, and Doctor McClown
(also known “Groans”), of the USS Paralyzed. They have
just beamed down. As Mr Spot begins
Tricorder readings, Krook and McClown do triple-takes, for behind them to their
left is a huge wooden structure – the Ark.
This is made clear because of the stenciled legend: U.S.S.
Ark. Krook hurriedly flips open
his Communicator and speaks.)
KROOK: Krook
to Paralyzed.
VOICE OF LT COMMANDER SHODD: Paralyzed here, Captain.
KROOK: Beaming
accomplished, Shoddy. Krook out.
SHODDY’S VOICE:
Aye, sir. Shodd out.
(Krook and McClown stand, staring at the Ark while Spot continues
his Tricorder readings. Voiceover:)
KROOK’S VOICE:
Captain’s log, Stardate 2448.17. Dr
McClown, Mr Spot, and I have beamed down
to Planet H-3 of the Frogtor System to investigate strange life-form readings
there. Little do we realize that we are
about to encounter one of the strangest sets of occurrences since the month Mr Spot
spent eating rock salt, after mind-melding with the Horta.
SPOT (reading from Tricorder): Captain, Tricorder readings indicate a rather
large structure in the posterior portion of the surrounding area. It
is made of gopher wood. Many
life-form readings of various types are being received.
(He makes a half-turn, but still has his eyes fixed on the Tricorder.)
SPOT: The
structure should be located precisely here.
(He points and then looks up. He has missed by forty feet. He quickly adjusts his aim.)
KROOK (amused):
What’s the matter, Mr Spot?
McCLOWN (derisively):
Logic not working today?
SPOT: Gentleman,
this structure strongly resembles the broad side of a barn. May I suggest, Doctor, that you take that
medical kit, and place it –
(He is interrupted by the entrance of a chubby, ruddy woman
in a frowsy bathrobe. She carries a
stone tablet and a chisel. She reads off
her list in a strong Yiddish accent.)
NOAH’ S WIFE: Chickens.
(A cackle from within the Ark.)
NOAH’ S WIFE: Cows,
dogs, rabbits.
(Cows and dogs reply.
No answer from the rabbits.)
NOAH’ S WIFE: Rabbits
I said!
(She turns and looks into the Ark.)
NOAH’ S WIFE (sighs):
Not again! (a beat.) Horses. Elephants. Armadillos.
(The horses and elephants reply. Nothing from the armadillos.)
NOAH’ S WIFE: Armadillos
(Yells.) NOAH! NOAH!
(She turns to Krook, Spot, and McClown, seeing them for the
first time.)
NOAH’ S WIFE: Hey
– you seen an old guy with a couple of armadillos?
SPOT (raising an eyebrow): Fascinating.
Captain, why should this woman wish to
give offensive weapons to pickles?
NOAH’ S WIFE: (coming
closer): Hey! Who are you? Go home!
Drink! Be merry!
Leave me here all alone to worry!
KROOK: Madam,
who are you?
NOAH’ S WIFE: Me?
(Slaps her chest.) Me? I'm just crazy old Noah's wife, good- for-nothing! No
one cares who does the cooking! No one cares who sweeps out the Ark! And my schlemiel
of a husband is out on the town with a couple of armadillos!
SPOT (lowering the eyebrow raised earlier): Fascinating.
NOAH’ S WIFE: Hmm. .
. (She moves closer to Krook.) Hey! You Look like a nice young man. What’re you doing here? You married?
McCLOWN: You might
say ... he’s married to his ship.
NOAH’ S WIFE: (takes
a step back): What? I can imagine the honeymoon!
KROOK: No, madam. You don’t
quite understand.
(Music up.)
“I Am the Captain of
the Paralyzed”
KROOK: I am
the captain of the Paralyzed,
And a darn good captain too!
My ship is run with pride,
And my ego’s ten miles wide,
I’ve got feats of derring-do!
ALL: A ship that’s
run with pride
And an ego ten miles wide,
And with feats of derring-do!
KROOK: Though I’m
honest through and through,
There is nothing that’s taboo
If you cross my palm with cash!
If your soul were mine I’d hock it
To put money in my pocket,
And my macho’s never been surpassed!
ALL: What,
never?
KROOK: No,
never!
ALL: What,
never?
KROOK: Hardly
ever!
ALL: His macho’s
never been surpassed!
KROOK: So all
join in and idolize
The perfect captain of the Paralyzed!
ALL: So all
join in and idolize
The captain of the Paralyzed!
(Music ceases.)
NOAH’S WIFE (confidentially, to Krook): Look, sweetie! You may be nice, but Robinson
Caruso you ain’t! (to all three:) But where’s my crazy
husband? The animals are sick, the elephants are restless, and I can’t open the
pickle jar!
McCLOWN: Mrs,
Noah, perhaps I can help you.
NOAH’S WIFE: What,
can you open the pickles?
McCLOWN: No, you
don’t understand. I mean, maybe I can
help you with the animals. You see, I’m
a doctor.
NOAH’S WIFE: A. doctor? Come with me.
(She ushers him to the Ark door.)
NOAH’S WIFE: Look
in there. The elephants have nosebleeds!
The snakes have bedsores! The giraffes have sore throats! The hippopotamus has a toothache! The cats have litter bugs!
(She stops and looks as McClown suspiciously.)
NOAH’ S WIFE: Wait
a minute, wait a minute. Are you sure
you're a doctor? Where’s your grey hair?
Where’s your black bag? Where's your whiskey bottle? And where’s the bill?
McCLOWN: You don’t
understand, Mrs. Noah. We doctors aren’t like that any more!
(Music up.)
“I Am the Very Model
of a General Practitioner”
McCLOWN: I am
the very model of a general practitioner;
I’ve knowledge of the body that’s both modern and
traditional.
I know of every organ and I know of every arterie,
And when I have a problem I get oh-so-very martyrie!
I’m also well acquainted both with muscles and with
ligaments,
My medical ineptness gets me in the worst predicaments!
And when it isn’t bad, my bedside manner’s merely comical –
And working on a spaceship makes my problems astronomical!
ALL: And
working on a spaceship makes his problems astronomical,
And working on a spaceship makes his problems astronomical,
And working on a spaceship makes his problems
astronomic-comical!
McCLOWN: And
so if you keep healthy you should think yourself quite fortunate,
Cause if you get a splinter, then I might decide to amputate
–
But still, in matters medical, both modern and traditional,
I am the very model of a general practitioner!
(Music ceases.)
(McClown and Mrs Noah enter the ark.)
SPOT (turning to Krook): Captain, as commendable as the good doctor’s
medical –
or should I say,
veterinary – proficiency may be, I should like to venture a question at this
time.
KROOK: What is
it, Spot?
SPOT: I am unsure
on one point of galactic law. Does Dr. McClown’s healing of these animals constitute
a violation of the Prime Directive? Let me quote from Subsection K, paragraph iv,
clause B-5: “The Prime Directive
strictly prohibits starship interference with the normal development of alien
plant and animal life, unless – ”
(McClown and Mrs Noah reappear in the door of the Ark. McClown is packing up his medical kit, and
straightening his uniform shirt.)
NOAH’S WIFE (catching her breath): I don’t believe it! Such a fast worker! all the
animals are okay, too! Another Oral
Roberts! Whatta you know!
(She takes a closer look at Mr Spot, for the first time.)
NOAH’S WIFE: Hmm ...
Hey! Look at those ears! Aren’t
they something! How about you, Mr
Tall-Dark-and-Logical? Are you married?
(Krook smiles. McClown snickers.)
SPOT: No,
madam, I –
NOAH’S WIFE: No?
Then, have I got a girl for you!
(She turns and calls.)
NOAH’S WIFE: Delilah! Where are you honey? Delilah, come here!
(A luscious young thing, poured into a slinky dress,
undulates from behind the Ark. She is blonde, slender, and firmly packed. She
speaks with a southern accent so syrupy you could spread it on your cornbread.)
DELILAH: Yes, Mama?
NOAH’S WIFE: C’mere,
Delilah.
(Mr Spot turns and catches sight of Delilah. His Adam’s
apple starts dancing; his fists clench and unclench; he starts to slobber.)
End,
part the first
What
will happen when the repressed, cold-minded Mr Spot meets the hot-blooded child
of Nature, Noah’s daughter, Delilah? You
may find out by tuning in this same time, next week!
