Kryptonuptials - Part 2

Kryptonuptials

by Mark Alfred

Part the Second

Seductio ad Absurdum

            What would marriage be like for Superman and Lois? 

A series of Imaginary Tales (aren’t they all?) appeared in 1960-1961, in Lois Lane issues 19, 20, 23, and 25, each with a differing take on the question.

            In Lois Lane #19, it seems Superman’s figured out how to crack the walnut:  “I feared that if I married you, my enemies would seek to strike at me by harming you!  but I’ve thought of a solution ... as far as the world will know, you’ll be marrying meek, mild Clark Kent!  You alone will share the secret of my real identity!  That way your life will remain safe!”  Too bad, but after that reasonable launch, the rest of the stories in this chain deteriorate into typical 1960s sitcom, soap-opera situations:

   Lana Lang gets hired at the Daily Planet and throws herself at Superman

   Lois can’t stand it when neighborhood housewives brag on their hubbies while she keeps her lips zipped

   After Clark and Lois adopt the still-secret Supergirl, a snooping social worker spies Lois asleep on the couch and reports Mrs Kent for child abuse

            The ultimate indignity comes in Lois Lane #25, as the secret is revealed, and Lois must tool around town in a “bullet-proof, explosion-proof, and acid-proof” bubblemobile, causing her to “feel like a goldfish in a bowl!”

Oft-Married, Super-Shy

            Some readers may not recollect that Lois is really no stranger to matrimony.  In Superman #136, of April, 1960, Lois marries X-Plam, a superpowered mutant from the year 2360.  When they reach his era, Lois too becomes affected by disfiguring radiation.  Her new mate sacrifices his own life to get her home to 1960.

            In the April, 1962 tale “The Silver Coin of Fate,” in Lois Lane #32, Lois marries Superman for real, despite Lana’s warnings.  After the hitch, we learn the truth that Lana had deducted:  Lois is now married to a sort of defective Bizarro, described by the real thing as “a perfect Superman instead of an imperfect imitation!  He had all of my memories and feelings! ... In short, a freak Bizarro!”  The cruel twist of fate arrives when, immediately after the ceremony, Mr Lois Lane suddenly reverts to Bizarro form and deserts her, to seek a new life on Htrae. 

            As you may imagine, readers quickly pointed out that, abandoned or not, Lois was still technically married.  But the letter column of August, 1962,  issue #35, informed us archly, “The marriage was declared illegal, on the grounds that the groom had used false pretenses to win his bride. ... In our courts, a sham of this sort is considered grounds for an annulment.”

            Eight years later, in October, 1970,  Lois Lane #105 featured another Lois marriage, this time to a con on death row who once saved her life, prompting the “Death House Honeymoon.”  But after breaking out, the fickle fella lets his cronies catch Lois; he changes his mind again when her life is threatened, dying to save her – she’s a widow again.

Propositional Phrases

            There have indeed been times when, for one reason or another, Superman proposed to Lois.  In January, 1959’s Superman #126, he pops the question and, after Lois agrees, he peels off a mask to reveal his “true” face, which looks a lot like Alfred E Neuman!  Of course, this face, to, is false – it’s payback for the way Lois had just ducked a blind date in favor of Superman!  Before the story wraps up, though, Lois has gone along with the pretense and accepted the Goof of Steel’s proposal, catching him in his own trick.  Superman avoids a fate worse than bachelorhood by setting a specific time-and-place for the wedding, then welding Lois into her car with heat vision until the time has passed.  What a super-jerk!

       A couple of years later, in January 1961, Supes proposes for real.  Of course, this seems too easy for the suspicious Lois, who wonders, “Why is he suddenly proposing out of the blue?  There must be a catch!”  Well ... it turns out that Super-Romeo is under the influence of Red Kryptonite.  The spell wears off just before the Man of Tomorrow proves his honesty by telling Lois his Secret Identity.  When reality sets in, he flies away without even thanking Lois for being so slow to take him up on his offer (Lois Lane #22).

            Lois is similarly unwilling to accept the unbelievable, in Lois Lane #41’s “The Devil and Lois Lane” (May, 1963).  Old Scratch offers to magically hand Superman’s affections over to Lois, in exchange for her soul.  But she stops the ceremony to reveal that she’s known all along that Lucifer’s real name is Kal-El, who felt that “Lois needs a lesson to teach her never to make reckless statements which could get her into trouble!”

            Five years later, in April, 1968, Lois stumbles into a time machine that wafts her to 2068.  There, she learns that though she’s destined to marry Superman, they will both die on their honeymoon (Lois Lane #82).  When she returns home, she’s horrified as things seem to line up to make the future history become real, including the wedding of her dreams.  The after-ceremony attack happens, but the newlyweds avoid becoming the newlydeads.  After a head-spinning series of “explanations” for the story’s set-up, we learn that Superman had been forced to propose, and that she’d been given fake news of her future life.  After the marriage is annulled, Superman (unwittingly?) twists the knife by averring, “Darling! The next marriage will be for keeps!”

            In a series of issues from 1968, Lois Lane #85-87, we read the saga of Cor-Lar, an evil Kandorian who gives Lois superpowers as part of a scheme to get Superman for herself.  The Metropolis Marvel gleefully makes wedding plans with his now-invulnerable Lois, but she immediately starts acting crazy, causing her to be banished to Kandor.  However, her bottle prison is the perfect place to uncover Cor-Lar’s plan.  The superbitch is returned to face Kryptonian justice, and Lois returns to Earth, just as her artificial superpowers fade away.

            Talk about a quick proposal!  In Lois Lane #90, February, 1969, Superman suddenly shows up and orders Lois to drop everything.  “Get dressed up as a bride, grab a cab, and meet me at the License Bureau in City Hall!”  Her heart leaping with joy, she does just that, only to learn that the whole get-up is a set-up.  She’s merely the bait to trap “Killer” Kraven, who has just escaped from prison.  After all, explains Superman, Kraven “once swore to kill the woman I marry ... on the day of our wedding! ... I knew you’d go along with the gag, Lois!”  What a gag, folks!  Don’t worry, our hero makes it all better by repeating the same sad line from Lois Lane #82:  “Someday you’ll really be Mrs Superman!”

            No matter how manipulative and trifling Superman’s behavior, at other times he really does demonstrate passion for Lois.  In December, 1972’s Lois Lane #128, he sends her to a parallel dimension to watch what happens when he “marries” a robot standing in for the girl reporter.  The substitute “Lois” is immediately murdered by criminals.  When he brings her back to Earth, Superman tells Lois, “I had to prove to you that marriage to me could be hazardous to your health!”  Her response: “I don’t care, Superman!  I still want to marry you!  Do you think I’d want an ordinary guy ... like Clark Kent?”  “If only she would,” thinks Supes.  If only ...

Tune  in the Same Time Next Week,

for the Exciting Conclusion!

Kryptonuptials - Part 1

Kryptonuptials

by Mark Alfred

Part the First

            What was once unthinkable became established fact.  In Superman (volume 2) #50, December, 1990, Clark Kent and Lois Lane became engaged; in Action #662, February, 1991, he revealed his Superman identity to her.  Within the span of a few months, DC Comics has breached a formerly sacrosanct barrier, unbroken since Superman #1 in 1939, when Lois characterizes Clark as “a sob story,” but marvels over his alter-ego, “Superman!  What manner of being are you?”  With visions of a red-blue-and-yellow streak filling her dreams, past-days Lois had little time for the Caspar Milquetoast at the next desk – except for those times when she was trying to prove he was Superman.

            In 1991 we saw Clark and Lois working as a super-team, as Lois covered for Supes while he dashed away to save someone’s day.

            In the mind of an old fan like me, the thought rose unbidden:  Is this new set-up a dream?  Induced by Red Kryptonite?  Acted out by Kandorian doubles?  Then I figuratively slapped myself, exclaiming, “No, no, no – that was the OLD continuity.”       Still, although the events following Superman #50 were epoch-making – and eventually wiped from existence by those spoilsports at DC – the concept of a Lois-Superman marriage had been often played with before.  Like C C Lewis’s suggestion that earlier legends of a dying-resurrecting god were but foreshadowings of the reality of Jesus’s life, the reality of Mr and Mrs Superman was an earlier era’s plot twist, to be suggested then explained away.

            Here are some of my favorite super-marriage adumbrations from the past.

The Marryin’ Kind?

            Like many longtime bachelors, Superman of yesteryear nevertheless harbors a secret yearning for home, hearth, and a little woman.  When Red Kryptonite makes his face turn colors to match his emotional states in Action #317 (October, 1964), he turns green with jealousy when he and Lois document the marriage of an astronaut.

 “How I envy them, too!” he thinks.  ‘If only I could be married some day ... our own home ... quiet evenings together ... Oh, how I wish I could enjoy wedded bliss like that lucky guy!”  In Lois Lane #81, after rescuing Lois from a convict’s clutches, he ruminates, “My darling ... If only you knew the secret dream I’ve treasured all these years.  How wonderful it would be to take you home to my Fortress ... as Mrs Superman!  But if we were married, I’d constantly be afraid that some vengeful super-enemies would endanger your life while I was away!”

            In November, 1965, in the letter column of Action #330, a reader asked why our hero couldn’t marry Lois in front of the whole world – but “as Clark Kent, because his foes don’t know his secret identity.  Right?”  “Wrong!” came the editorial sneer.  “The Phantom Zone villains and the Superman Revenge Squad know the Man of Steel is Clark Kent.”

            As longtime super-readers know, there have been plenty of others who learned that secret.  But that can’t-marry-for-wifely-safety argument was often invalidated by DC’s own stories.  The above-mentioned tale from Lois Lane #81, featuring a convict kidnapping Lois, arose because the crook thought Superman’s “girl friend” was the perfect hostage.  How much more dangerous could it have been to be Superman’s spouse?

            The post-1986 continuity avoided such dilemmas by making sure that the public came to know Lois not as “Superman’s girl friend,” but only as Clark Kent’s fiancée.  To the general world, the reporter is only an acquaintance of Superman, all the more-so because she’s engaged to his buddy Clark Kent.

            For decades the Superman titles teased us with the question:  Will he or won’t he marry?  But editorial assurances appeared in letter columns like Lois Lane #75 or Action #329 (October 1965).  The latter teased, “We don’t know yet WHEN he’ll marry or WHO the bride will be, though.  For proof that he WILL wed and have children, see the November issue of Superman, which features the first in a series about his descendant, the superman of 2965.”

            Sure enough, Superman #181 introduced that in-continuity super-descendant  The editors were quick to offer Klar Ken T-5477 as proof that Kal-El would someday take a bride and engender offspring.  We had previously been assured in February, 1963, in the letters column of Superman #159, that:  “Inasmuch as it is a basic law of genetics that dominant characteristics are inherited, it stands to reason that any offspring produced by Superman and Lois would have super-powers.”

            In the 1950s and 1960s, we youngsters came to grow weary of such coy games as the “competition” between Lois and Lana Lang for Superman’s eventual affections.  Even me, a super-idolizer par excellence, began to wonder whether the Man of Steel would wed before I entered the Social Security rolls.  In the letter column of October, 1960’s Action #269, one brave reader suggested that a marriage for Superman would enhance, not weaken, his appeal.  A similar adventurous soul wrote a letter that appeared in issue #76 ( August, 1967) of Lois Lane, asserting, “Can’t you see that you’ll GAIN, not lose readers, with the most publicized, spectacular wedding comicdom has ever produced?”  The editorial reply reminded us that Superman couldn’t just up and ask the gal.  “He ask to ask the editors and publishers, too.”

            A letter in Lois Lane #87, cover-dated October, 1968, contained an interesting speculation:  Since Bizarro No. 1 is married to Bizarro-Lois, then it’s logical that Superman will never marry Lois.  Bizarros do the opposite of their Earthly counterparts, get it? 

            Apparently yours truly is the only person who took the opposite tack.  I’ve always joked that when Superman and Lois tied the knot, Bizarro and B-Lois would have to get a divorce.

            An editorial tease from February, 1969, in Lois Lane #90, sniffed, “But don’t figure you can always have a safe bet that the wedding won’t take place.  One of these days we might just spring it on you.”

            A few years prior, in May, 1964, this letter and response appeared in Lois Lane #49:  “When will you marry off Lois Lane and Superman?  My mother tells me that when she was a girl she faithfully followed every Superman story, hoping to see Lois become the Man of Steel’s bride.  She was amazed to learn that he still hasn’t married her.  Will Superman ever marry anyone?”  The letter’s reply was, “Be patient, friend, If you don’t see Superman make the Great Decision while you’re still a reader, we promise you that your daughter will see the big event.”

            Let’s see ... I was eight in 1964, a typical reader.  I have daughters born in 1983 and 1990.  I guess that you could say that the 1996 marriage happened in the time frame projected in 1964.  Pretty sneaky, eh?  All that time, in the 1960s and 1970s, we thought it was all a tease!

            Despite the desires of Lana Lang’s fans, it’s always been evident that Lois is the one for Superman.  As he says in two different stories of Lois Lane #73, in April, 1967, “We make a great team!” and “Lois, when the time comes, you won’t need a magic wand to win me.”  In January, 1970’s Lois Lane #98, Superman shows Lois (and we voyeurs) some changes he has recently made to the “Lois Lane Room” in his Fortress.  The main attraction is “The Lois Lane Honeymoon cottage,” complete with fireplace and windows opening onto a (fake?) blue sky.

             It’s all made very maudlin by the fact that, at this point in the story, Lois mistakenly thinks she’s going to die from a massive dose of radiation THE NEXT DAY!

            But, assuming that all parties are healthy and of sound mind, how to make those wedding bells ring, for true and for always?  That’s the question!  In some stories we see that Lois has resolved to win Superman’s heart fair and square, without deception or trickery.  For instance, that “magic wand” reference in Lois Lane #73 came about because Miss Gzptlsnz of Zrfff was the antagonist.  Masquerading as a girl named Dody, she posed as Lois’s fairy godmother and offered to use magic to make Superman marry her.  The motivation?  If Supes is off the market, then her fella, Mr Mxyzptlk, might spare some attention for her!  But the virtuous Lois will have none of it.  She deducts who Dody really is, sending the distaff magical troublemaker backwards via a sneaky Scrabble trick.

            Lois’s great flaw (aside from impetuosity) is the strange way that her devotion to Superman blinds her to the good qualities he displays as Clark Kent.  In July, 1951, he sighs in Superman #71, “The same old trouble!  She’s so smitten by my Superman identity that she can’t see me as Clark Kent!”  In August, 1958, in Superman #123, Lois dismisses a proposal from Clark with, “It’s sweet of you, Clark, but I could only marry you if you were really Superman!”

            For us constant and once-constant readers, though, it was plain that the road to matrimony for Lois and that super guy must inevitably wind through Clark Kent.  For example, this letter and response from Lois Lane #100, April, 1970:  “If Lois ever does marry Superman, will he wear the same costume to the wedding?”  “He probably will wear a suit and tie – plus a pair of Clark Kent glasses.”

            Yes, it’s Superman’s hope to win Lois’s heart in his Earthly identity.  This would prove it’s the man, not the power, that she loves.  When Clark is believed dead in September, 1968’s  Superman #210, Superman eulogizes him, “As Clark’s best friend, I know his dearest dream was to marry Lois Lane some day.”  He continues in silent thought, “After the wedding, Clark would have revealed his greatest secret to Lois.”

            We readers kept grasping at straws such as the one tossed to us by Superman in October, 1970’s  Lois Lane #105, when he thinks, “Won’t she flip one day, when she finds out I really am Superman!”  Note the hopeful use of “when,” not “if.”

 Tune  in the Same Time Next Week,

for the Next Installment in Our Saga!

 

From 1975, It’s ... Star Track! [part 2]

This silly skit was wrestled into final shape by yours truly, based on the profound question:

What if the Enterprise encountered Noah's Flood on a far planet, and the whole thing were a Gilbert-and-Sullivan musical?

PART ONE HERE.

Captain Crook, Dr McClown, and Mr Spot have met Noah's wife.  Noah is missing, and up on the ship Chief Engineer Shoddy has detected a massive rainstorm on its way.  Mrs Noah, the typical Jewish mother, decides that Mr Spot looks eligible and ask if he's married.

NOAH’S WIFE:  No?  Then, have I got a girl for you!

(She turns and calls.)

NOAH’S WIFE:   Delilah!  Where are you honey?  Delilah, come here!

(A luscious young thing, poured into a slinky dress, undulates from behind the Ark.   She is blonde, slender, and firmly packed.   She speaks with a southern accent so syrupy you could spread it on your cornbread.)

DELILAH:   Yes, Mama?

NOAH’S WIFE:  C’mere, Delilah.

(Mr Spot turns and catches sight of Delilah.   His Adam’s apple starts dancing; his fists clench and unclench; he starts to slobber.)

 

  Here, we resume our story ...

DELILAH (purrs):  Oohh!

(She sighs and comes closer.   She lifts a finger to trace the curve of one of Spot’s ears.)

DELILAH:  Look at his ears, Mama! Aren’t they somethin’?

McCLOWN:   What’s the matter, Spot? Your human half too much for you?

NOAH’S WIFE:   Young man, meet our Delilah.  Delilah, meet – what’s your name, honey?

SPOT:  I – uhh ... I’m –

(Music up.)

“I’m Called Mr Pointy-Ears”

SPOT:  I’m called Mr Pointy-Ears, never-smile Pointy-Ears,

Though I could never say why.

But still I’m just Pointy-Ears, sad-sack old Pointy-Ears,

Green-skinned and pointy-eared I!

I’ve got brains and logic, and feats astrologic,

I play chess and use the Spot pinch;

My heart’s made of granite, but back on my planet,

I’m someone my folks want to lynch!

So, pity poor Pointy-Ears, half-Vulcan Pointy-Ears,

Always so quiet and shy!

I’m only green Pointy-Ears, sad-sack old Pointy-Ears;

Watch Mr Pointy-Ears cry!

(Music ceases.  Spot falls to his knees, sobbing.  Delilah kneels beside him, stroking his hair.)

DELILAH:  Oh, you poor deah!

KROOK:  Groans, can’t you help him?

McCLOWN:  I’m a doctor, not a voice teacher!  (He fumes.)  I don’t know, Jim.  My guess is that his Vulcanian spawning cycle is coming on.

KROOK:  You mean ...

McCLOWN:  Yup, it’s the time of the pon farr.  One look at her, and he’s Shirley Temple with ears!

KROOK:  Not again!

SPOT (rising slowly to his feet):  No, Captain, I’ll – I’ll be all right.  (sniffs) I beg your forgiveness for this gross display of human emotion.

NOAH’S WIFE:  Oh, such manners!  Would you like to stay for dinner?  I’m sure my husband would like to meet you!

(Meanwhile, McClown takes a few steps, looking around, and steps into a pile of buffalo bagels.  Trying to scrape off his boot, he asks:)

McCLOWN:   Uh, ma’am, may I ask why all of these animals are hangin’ around in the first place?

NOAH’S WIFE:  Well, Noah doesn’t tell me much; but as I understand it, the price of fur coats is goin’ through the roof in a few months, if we can corner the market.  We just gotta keep ’em dry.

SPOT:  Fascinating.

NOAH’S WIFE:  But my crazy husband goes around talking about voices out of the sky.  (points behind her)  We had this thing half-built, and he measures it.  Thirty-nine cubits.  So, “Tear it down,” he says.  “It’s got to be EXACTLY forty cubits,” he says.  And now the voice is telling him, we forgot armadillos.  So I’m sitting here waiting for my crazy husband to come back with a set of preserved pairs!

(Krook’s Communicator beeps.  He flips it open.)

KROOK:  Krook here.  What’s up?

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Shodd here, Cap’n.  Meteorological readings indicate a low-pressure front in the upper atmosphere, and it’s headin’ straight for ya.

McCLOWN:  What the hell does that mean?

SPOT:  It’s going to rain.

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Aye, I just said that.

KROOK:  Shoddy, how much time do we have?

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Estimated time before the storm reaches you – twenty minutes.  But, Cap’n, we’re havin’ a spot o’ trouble with the matter-gain relay circuits.  If ye wait for the storm to get much closer, I dinna know if I can pull ye through!  As I said, ye have twenty minutes at most – an’ not a second more.

McCLOWN:  Twenty minutes!  Holy Moses!

NOAH’S WIFE:  Who?

DELILAH:  Huh?

McCLOWN:  Never mind.

KROOK:  Thanks, Shoddy.  Krook out.  (closes Communicator)  Well, gentlemen, I’d say ... we have a problem.

SPOT:  Captain, couldn’t the sensors of the Paralyzed be of some help to this poor woman?

KROOK:  How’s that?

SPOT:  Mr Guru could try to locate her husband’s life-form readings.  Then Mr Shodd can use the Transporter to beam Mr Noah here.

KROOK:  I see.  Good idea.

SPOT:  Naturally.

KROOK (flipping open his Communicator again):  Krook to Paralyzed.

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Paralyzed here, Captain.  What is it?  We’re standing by to beam you aboard.

KROOK:  Not yet.  We’re not ready.  How much time do we have?

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Ye have ten minutes, and not a moment more.

KROOK:  Shoddy, can you use the ship’s sensors to pinpoint an old man for us and beam him to these coordinates?  He should be within, say, a 50-mile radius.

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Just a minute, Captain.  Wait – we’ve got a readin’ for a 600-year-old man, with two armadillos.

NOAH’S WIFE:  That’s him!

KROOK:  Beam him here, please, Shoddy.  We’ll keep in touch.  Krook out.

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Aye, sir.  Paralyzed out.

KROOK:  He should be here any minute now.

(Offstage:  the familiar hum, a flash of light, and a hearty “Hi-ho, Silver!”  NO:  just the familiar hum and a flash of light.  A doddering old man totters around the corner of the Ark, carrying a scaly bundle under each arm.  Each bundle looks suspiciously like a dirty basketball trailing a licorice stick.)

NOAH’S WIFE:  Noah!  You’re here, finally!  Where’ve you been?  What took you so long?  So ... this is an armadillo?  Wipe your feet!  Want some chicken soup?  (to the Paralyzed three)  Thanks – come back some other time, will you?

(Noah, his wife, and Delilah enter the Ark.  Delilah offers a special wave to Spot.)

KROOK (turning to McClown and Spot):  Well, gentlemen, I think our task here is finished here.

McCLOWN (with a silly grin):  I hope we gave them a good sendoff.

KROOK:  Let’s get back to the ship.  (flips open his Communicator)  Shoddy!  We’re coming home.

SHODDY’S VOICE:  You had us worried, sir.  One minute to the thunderstorm.

SPOT:  Captain – with your permission, I would prefer to remain behind for an hour or two.  This climate would afford an unparalleled opportunity for the study of atmospheric conditions extant on primitive planets, and their overall relation to –

SHODDY’S VOICE:  Mr Spot, how long can you tread water?

KROOK:  Three to beam up.  Krook out.

(They sprinkle glitter over themselves.  Curtain.)

The End

... As you may imagine, the biggest single laugh came with "I'm a doctor, not a voice teacher!"

As far as costuming, we did it on the cheap.  We wore black pants rolled up.  We bought sort-of-shimmery shirts, and hand-sewed TREK emblems.

As you can see from this photo taken ten minutes ago, I also used a blue magic marker to color the neckline.

***************

Thanks for visiting this corner of Memory Lane.  See you next week for a new article on Supes and the ol' ball and chain.