Bruce Wayne -- Closet Furry!

 Yes, that COULD BE the headline if this story were in The Tattler.  And why?  Read on, dear readers ...

 

Lois has decided that Bruce is Superman and therefore must he secretly tricked into marrying her so that she will thereby get her hooks into Superman.  Now, after a swanky date where Bruce played chicken to a nonexistent threat and thus raised Lois's suspicions further, they are on their way home when Lois sees some shady characters whom she recognizes as crooks.

The baddies get the jump on them, tying Lois to a chair and tossing Bruce into the fur cooler.  What other choice does he have to survive, than to dress up in all of those animal skins.  LIKE A FURRY!

Bruce escapes by using a lockpick from his utility belt, and rescues Lois.  After they've  reported the criminals to the local precinct, somehow it's a lot easier for Lois to conjecture that Bruce Wayne's (hypothetical super-)powers saved him from the deep freeze than that HE PUT ON A COAT.

"She's cute! She's smart! She can dance! And she can kiss!" -- MAYBE MY FRIEND WILL MARRY HER?!?!?  Are we sure that Bruce (Batman) Wayne doesn't need a male supplement?!?!

Now, in the last panel in today's installment, Bruce has a better idea than switching to Batman to nap the escaped "flying furrito brothers."  What idea?

Tune in Friday to find out!

Bruce Wayne -- Fraidy Cat!

This is the kind of unrelenting commercialistic bombardment to which we kids were subjected in the 1960s.  The top two-thirds of the page is an ad for an 80-pg Giant featuring "Jimmy Olsen's Greatest Scoops."  How could any self-respecting American kid see the cover of a comic book like this one and not scream "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!"  Isn't Curt Swan's art for this cover great?

Especially the grimaces on Jimmy and Superman's faces in the center panel, like two six-year-olds saying, "I say it's spinach, and the hell with it."  You can only express full resentment by crossing your arms while you scowl ... this is a scientific fact, you know.

And the bottom ad for Tootsie Rolls? Postmodern simplistic genius!   There was a TV commercial for Tootsie Rolls with the same theme.  It ended with a kid nodding his head and trying to grin around a mouthful of Tootsie Roll and a solo male tenor voice chanted that immortal jingle:  "Long time, long time!  Chewy chewy Tootsie Roll last a long time!  Mmmmm-mmmm!"

As our story resumes, Lois has decided that Bruce Wayne is really Superman, despite seeing a Batman outfit in Wayne's closet.  Under cover of writing a story about his philanthropic work, she intends to woo him and get him to propose, so she can thereby snare Superman, her idol.

At a "swanky" Wild West restaurant, Bruce sees a gunslingin' gal and hits the deck, worried it's a hit.

WAIT A MINUTE!  Wouldn't Batman (or even millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne) have dragged his date out of danger, too?  For once we have an unbelievable plot action taken by someone other than Lois!

Anyway, turns out the gal's shootin' iron is really a gun camera (I thought gun cameras were only on jets?).  And since Lois is certain that Bruce is Superman, she figures he's playing chicken so that no one will think he's as rough and tough as he really is.

Next thing we know, they're in each others' arms on the dance floor, and the lights are sparkling in their eyes, and moonlight becomes her, and moon and June and love and above ....

... Oops, I got carried away in the romance!  At any rate, come back Wednesday to see what happens when the lights come up and the music fades away.

 

Diamond in the Pocket

 ON TV commercials, the theme song for GI Joe was sung by a manly chorus, to the tune of "The Caissons Go Rolling Along."

Now, I myself never had a GI Joe.  But, a GI Joe footlocker wade a great case for all of my model-making supplies ... model glue, model paint and thinner, paint brushes, an Exacto knife, old model instructions, and the like.

Back in our story, Batman is unaware that the sneaky Lois Lane saw him change from Superman to Bruce Wayne (subbing for the Man of Steel during a Super-absence).  This knowledge didn't inspire a lifetime of noble help and friendly subterfuge in Lois, as it did with Pete Ross.

No, this is Lois Lane we're talking about here.  This "knowledge" immediately starts Lois to scheming how to ensnare Bruce Wayne, to as to latch onto his (she thinks) Super alter ego!

So, as the first step of her plan, Lois shows up on the doorstep of stately Wayne Manor, and invites herself in ...

Note that when Lois sees the Batman costumes, she immediately suspects a Super impersonation, but imagines it as running the wrong way from how it really is.  She figures Bruce has the Bat-duds around so that he (Superman) can imitate Batman.

Meanwhile Wayne twists his ankle and starts sweating up a storm.  Are these signs of human frailty to Lois?  Nah, just tricks to make her THINK that Wayne isn't Superman.

 Boy, what a potential these people have for future open and honest relationships, huh?

More on Monday, Folks!

Lois Gets Payback!

In this third story from Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane #59, we see a turnaround of sorts.  In the first two stories, Lois's stupid, wrongheaded, hateful, petty schemes almost led to millions of deaths and a lifetime in jail or perhaps a slow, agonizing death.

In this story, titled aptly  Superman and Batman's Joke on Lois Lane, we learn that our two favorite heroes, the knights of the cape and cowl, aren't above a few missteps.

But Lois SO DESERVES IT!

 

Start at the beginning and admire the Splash Panel.  Right away we know this has the potential for storytelling greatness, because the art is by the stupendously talented and craftsmanlike Curt Swan.

OK, I admist that it's a bit unbelievable that Lois, laying there on her belly after a supposed water rescue, has perfectly turned-out hair flips and (apparently) makeup.  This isn;t reality, this is comics -- and she looks MAHH-velous, baby!  Grrr-o-r-r-owl!

Ahem ...

So here we have Lois, supposedly washed up on a shore somewhere and unconscious after a Super-rescue, is nevertheless spying on her savior, who *gasp!* appears to be changing to his Secret Identity ... Bruce Wayne!

Of course, the next step is for Lois to plot how to marry Bruce Wayne so that she will in turn become Superman's bride.  Meanwhile, through Batman/Bruce Wayne's thought balloon, we learn that he rescued Lois while dressed as Superman as a favor to play a Kryptonian role while the real Man of Steel is elsewhere.

Our story begins as Lois investigates a tip that stolen money has been hidden in a lake at Metropolis Park.  She finds the loot (isn't that water awfully clear?) -- but cramps strike.  Let's assume that these are stomach cramps amd not lady cramps.  Didn't Mrs. Lane tell her and Lucy to wait a half hour after eating to swim?

Check out the first panel.  First off, notice that Lois's hair is appropriately fluttering around her head, giving a good depiction of underwater movement.  Secondly, notice the first clue to the Super-substitution:  Swan, the consummate artist, shows AIR BUBBLES streaming from the diving Superman figure.  That's your first indication that Lois's rescuer is human -- Superman wouldn't be holding his breath and exhaling as he swims.

Still, we see a Super-figure swoop from the water bearing Lois and the booty (the MONEY I mean).

In Panel Three we get a recap of the Splash Panel.  Lois sees Superman turn into Bruce Wayne, and immediately sets her cap on a scheme.  Deception? Playing with other peoples' lives?  Lying in love?  Check, check, and CHECKMATE.  Another Lois Lane plan for world domination is hatched!

  Now vide the next panel, a close-up of our  girl at her ditzy finest!

And the bottom two panels  let us readers in on the secret:  Superman has asked his buddy Batman to fly around (with an anti-gravity belt) and impersonate the Man of Tomorrow while he's gone on a space mission.

It's a good thing, Batman/Bruce reflects, that the wacky Lois Lane has her sights set on Superman, and not this rich bachelor millionaire...

Well, Thanks to his easily seen costume change, Lois has gotten EXACTLY that idea, buddy!  YOur life has just entered ... The Lois Zone!


...to be continued ...

 

So Much for Lois Lane's Return to Krypton!

Ain't that always the way? You go back in time to save Krypton, decide to cut in on Lara and marry Jor-El for yourself (after saving Krypton, of course), and the whole plan just gets shot to **** by some green-skinned alien creep shrinking the gol-darned city!

Boy, in that first panel, doesn't Jor-El look like one of Joe Jackson's “Pretty boys - on my TV screen / Teeth so white and hair so clean” ?

 But now we know what happened -- Krypton is doomed because of the removal of that Anti-Nuclear Ray Tower, built from the plans Lois brought from the future.  That darn ol' Brainiac seems to show up at such inopportune times.  After all, in Superman #141, five years earlier, we learned it was Brainiac's shrinking of Krypton that helped screw up Kal-El's romance with Lyla Lerrol.

WAIT A MINUTE!  Superman (Kal-El) is HERE ON KRYPTON (according to "Superman's Return to Krypton") at the same time that Lois is there (according to this story).  They're watching the theft of Kandor from opposite sides of the city, perhaps!  Why don't they bump into each other and settle down here on Krypton happily ever after? ... the mind boggles ...

WHEW!  Back to THIS tale ...

So, Brainiac's shrinking of Kandor also swept up the handy-dandy Anti-Nuclear Ray that Lois hoped would dampen Krypton's self-destruction.  Crestfallen, Lois decided to return to her Time Machine for one last go ... and, mirabile dictu, the sparkly snow that's falling seems to have recharged the batteries, or something like that. 

Oh, yeah, now that the Time Machine works, why not zip in on Lara and tell her that you're a conniving b*tch from the future?  Surely THAT will make her want to send her baby to your planet!

Isn't it interesting that, as drawn by Kurt Schaffenberger, Jor-El's lab looks like the Kent family home in Smallville?  There are the begonias, the picket fence, the green grass, the wooden siding on the house, the toy wagon and the wooden blocks ...

Am I the only person who notices these things?  BTW, it's a good thing that they don't have Law & Order: SVU on Krypton, or Benson-El and Stabler-El would throw Lois Lane into the Kryptonian slammer for a lo-o-o-ng time.  Don't you know that's child molestation, Lois dear?

Meanwhile, inside their rustic Sears-Roebuck (Kryptonian) house, Jor-El decides to demonstrate to Lara his new Phantom Zone Projector by shooting it randomly through the window --- WHERE THEIR SON IS PLAYING OUTSIDE, PEOPLE!  Hello!

Good thing it disintegrates that scheming Lois and not their dear baby boy!

[deep breath] ... and that, dear readers, is how Lois Lane ended up in the Phantom Zone in our story's opening.  Wasn't it a wild'n'wacky trip?

See you Monday!
 

I Wonder Who's Kissing Him Now?

These Cheerios ads shared the same storyline as some that ran on TV.  Bullwinkle would get in trouble, doing something dangerous or shortsighted, while he and Rocky the Flying Squirrel were discussing the advantages of Cheerios cereal.  "Everybody should eat Cheerios," Bullwinkle avers, but  *BANG* "They should watch where they're going!" 

I can still hear (in my memory, of course) Bill Scott as Bullwinkle saying, that tagline.  Of course you can go online looking for "cheerios TV commercial Bullwinkle" and hear it yourself!

Fun, silly ads like this always beg one question for me.  If the wacky, fun, silly characters recommending these fine consumer products make such bad choices for everything else they do,  why is their endorsement of a consumer product a GOOD thing for the product's image? 

It's kind of like wondering, If a man in power makes a stupid personal decision regarding sex with a subordinate, and then lies about it, then why should you trust his word for anything else?  You can't compartmentalize character, folks!

Of course, if sidekicks like Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen learned this lesson, then pffft! there would go most of the story springboards for them!

For instance, here we have Lois Lane, stuck in the past, taking the place of Lara (she hopes) on a date with Jor-El, thereby hoping to supplant Lara in the Kryptonian scientist's heart (and lips).

(Remember that Lois travelled here to bring Earth plans for an Anti-Nuclear Ray, to prevent Krypton's self-destruction.)

Now, do you REALLY think that Jor-El thought that "Lo-Ane" (her adopted name) was Lara, his girlfriend?  SHOOT NO -- guy's aren't picky when it comes to smoochin' on a park bench!

But then all the laughter turns to sorrow, when three moons come out, Lo-Ane is revealed, and Lara shows up to lay a Trailer Trash Smackdown (patent pending) on Lois.

But Jor-El seems to not be mad at Lo-Ane.  In leaving with her, he mentions the Anti-Nuke Tower that's going to be turned on tomorrow, built from the plans Lois showed him.

Then, at the opening day ceremony, Bum-bum-BUMMM! The tower and the town it's in, all disappear!  What can it be now?

Find out Friday, with our next installment in our page-by-page march through Lois Lane #59.

Lois Lane, Kryptonian Home-Wrecker!

Continuing our page-by page tour through Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane #59 August, 1965):

Can she be a home-wrecker if she wrecks the home before it is established?  Because that's what seems about to happen.

Lois, stranded in the past on Krypton (see previous posts for the birdbrained reason), now has to decide what to do next.  After giving Jor-El the means to prevent Krypton's destruction (theoretically), she intended to disappear in her Time Machine and return to Earth.  But the shifter rod went out on the darn thing, or something.

It's so obvious!  Since she can't have Superman, why not aim for his father, Jor-El?  Never mind that Jor-El's marriage to Lara is what produced Lois's idol, Superman!

She manages to become Lara's roommate and therefore decides to ruin Lara's beauty treatment before a big date the next evening.

Oops!  She turned the wrong hair green!

That evening, Lois (or Lo-Ane as she styles herself) accompanies Jor-El and Lara to a spiffy dance at a sky palace.

It's interesting that this 1965 story uses a feature of Kryptonian life first introduced (as far as I know) five years ago.  In the landmark tale "Superman's Return to Krypton," in November 1960's Superman #141, Jerry Siegel and Wayne Boring depict a similar anti-gravity night club environment.

This Lois Lane story, written by Otto Binder, aims a little lower than the high drama seen in the Superman tale.

Lois uses her anti-gravity boots to kick up her heels and do the Babootch Boogie.  (I made that up, after one of Superman's most often used exclamations, "Well -- I'll be a three-eyed Kryptonian Babootch!")

Man! talk about super-speed!  Not only does Jor-El "accidentally" throw her off the edge into space, he's quick enough to get his Jet-Car keys from the attendant, hop in, zoom around, and catch Lois in a sort of reverse Ejector Seat!

But on their way home, Jor-El decides to blame "Lo-Ane" for the mishap.  HELLO!  Who tossed whom over the edge?

Anyways, our last panel shows Lois deciding to sabotage another meet-up between Superman's (fate-intended) parents.  That way, Lois will take a walk through the park on Multi-Moon Night with Jor-El, and Lara will show up a day late!

Come back Wednesday to see what happens next!  (Hint:  At the end of the story, there will probably STILL be a Superman for Lois Lane to be the Girl Friend of!)

 

Second Story in Lois Lane #59: Lois, the Incomprehensible "B" from Hell!

That will be your opinion, too, after reading this story from Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane.  This is issue #59, cover-dated August, 1965.

Just read the captions and thought balloons in the splash page.  Remember, almost from the instant of their first encounter in 1938, Lois has had the hots for Superman, that dreamy Super-Guy!  It's him -- only him -- that she loves!

But in this story, she chucks all that.  Why not go for Superman's hunky dad, instead?  And check out that very 21st-century-looking pouty, spoiled-brat expression on Lois's face in the splash panel.  Now we know where Rihanna, Miley Cryus, and millions of duckfaces were launched!

Anyway ... to our story.  Superman is just dusting the the exhibits in his Fortress of Solitude when he happens to pop in on the Phantom Zone, where he finds -- AWP! -- Lois Lane ?!?!  In a Kryptonian fashion, too!

Now we will learn how she got there.

NOTE TO FELLOW ENGLISH MAJORS:  Remember learning of this narrative device?  It's called in medias res, literally meaning "into the middle of things."  It's how The Iliad starts, too -- along with thousands of other stories from action-thriller TV shoes to romance novels to Sci-Fi radio shows, and on and on.  Its main attraction is its capacity to start a story out with a BANG and hook the reader/viewer/listener into a crisis, and then throw in that (potentially) boring backstory along the way.

After attending a publicity launch for a scientist and his "Anti-Nuclear Ray,"  Lois charms him into giving her his proprietary plans in the delusion that she will give them to Superman.

Next, she enlists Professor Potter and Jimmy Olsen as backup in her inspired mission.  Why, she'll travel to Krypton's past herself, and prevent its destruction by sharing those plans with Superman's father, Jor-El!

So she studies Kryptonese  -- only ONE LANGUAGE for the planet?  Oh, maybe she only learns the language spoken by the folks in Kryptonopolis, the planet's capital, and home to Jor-El.

Now she uses her handy-dandy Time-Viewer to window-shop.  What part of Jor-El's past does she wish to violate?

Note the first panel's depiction of Jor-El's dorm room.  We know it's a dorm room -- check out the college pennant on the wall!

So Lois decides to invade a little later in his life, after Jor-El is established as a scientist.  She lands the Time Machine safely without being detected by this advanced civilization's space defenses, and barges in on Jor-El in his underground research location.

It's kinda funny that such a setting was also used for the opening scenes of Superman: The Animated Series's first story, "Last Son of Krypton."

So, fibbing to Jor-El as to the origins of both her and the plans, she hands them over.  Hmmm, Jor-El says ... an Anti-Nuclear Ray to defend against alien invaders ... (like the one standing in front of him).

Thinking her mission is accomplished, Lois heads back to her Time Ship and home, except -- criminently!  The controls are jammed!  She's stuck ... in the past!

Bum-bum-BUMMM!

What will Lois do ... besides seducing Jor-El (we found that out in the story splash panel)?   Stay tuned for our next exciting installment, on Monday!  Same Super-time, same Super-channel!

Super-Serum Smash-Up!

At the top of the last page of our story, Lois comes out of her guilty tizzy.  After all, she murdered Superman, and then framed Lana Lang for execution for the Kryptonian's bump-off.

Suddenly she comes to.  Why, IT WAS ALL A DREAM!  Just like a bunch of DC fans from twenty years ago (1993), she says, "tell me the death of Superman didn't happen?!"  She is so afraid that what she dreamed might come true, she decides to divert from the time-line of her dream immediately, and demands an antidote to the Super-Sauce she just quaffed.

It's funny that she thinks that NOT drinking the stuff will forestall her killing of Supes and Lana.  However, remember that the way the dream took place, Lois did all her scheming WITHOUT USING HER INVULNERABILITY.  So theoretically she could STILL decide to dress up as her friend and bump off her boyfriend ...

Look at the depiction of the aliens' departing spaceship.  Of course it's a "generic" flying saucer, but it is also a dead ringer for the one seen in the Trent photographs taken in 1950 during a sighting  in McMinnville, Oregon:

Of course it also looks like a smaller version of the craft from 1956's Earth vs the Flying Saucers, too:

So, while you ponder the permeations and permutations of preposterous pie plates, let's sell some ads, shall we?

The top half-page ad is for AMT car models. Remember that these things were about $1.50.  An industrious kid could do odd jobs and earn enough cash by returning pop bottles for deposit to get at least one of these babies per month.

Being from the Great Southwest, my only exposure to Palisades Amusement Park was these ads in the comics.  It wasn't until years later that I figured out that the 1962 song by Freddy Cannon, "Palisades Park," was about the same place.

And remember the kids' song, "George Washington Bridge," sung to the tune of "Over the Waves"?  That is the bridge mentioned in the ad.

The tagline for this Trix ad, "How's Trix?", is a silly wordplay on a phrase that started out a little crude -- but referring to card tricks, not streetwalker-type tricks.

Silly rabbit!  Trix are for kids!

The bottom half of the page is this issue's only allotment of space for letters, so they only print some excerpts, with no art header or trailing mailing addresses.  I may be singular in my feelings, but I have always been charmed by the editorial tone taken in these columns.  Kid of like your big sister teaching you a new card game ... friendly and teasing, all at once.

On Friday, we'll start the second story contained in Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane #59.

 

An Ad and a Complication for Lois

In these next two pages from Lois Lane #59, we have an ad and the penultimate page of our palpitatin' potboiler (imagine that phrase being spoken by Sylvester the Cat).

 

"DRONES AHOY!"  That's what YOUR friends will say when you buzz-bomb their treehouse with your new AMF P26 Pursuit Plane!  With its automatic-starter AMF Wen-Mac gas engine, you'll be snagging the pigtails of your pesky little sister in no time!  And won't Dad chuckle when you fly this little champion onto the backyard cocktail table and knock the beer into his lap!  What great clean fun you'll have!

MEANWHILE, BACK AT OUR STORY ... Lois has succeeded in killing Superman and getting Lana Lang electrocuted for the crime.  Now she goes back to her everyday life by lunching with kid sister Lucy. 

The milk at the table somehow brings her to her senses ... Oh, yeah ... the helpful aliens and their invulnerability serum to be used as a tool to win Superman's heart ... the aliens' warning to drink a glass of milk every day to forestall certain "side-effects" of the serum ...

So in a fit of atonement-seeking, Lois confesses and proves part of her story.  Then, not only can she NOT be killed, society (a grand jury) decides not to execute her for her double murders, anyway!

She'll have to live her invulnerable life knowing she is a vicious, murderous hag.  Don;t you love the little girl in the bottom-right corner of the lower left panel?  Nyah-nyah-nyah, mean lady!

In the final panel we start to get the ol' swirling-stars, dizzy routine.  Hmmm, something must be up.  We know it's serious, because Lois's eyes are crossed.

Come back Wednesday afternoon for the wrap-up of this tale of deception and murder (wait, or was that the CLOVERLEAF SCENARIO from Roger Rabbit?!?)

Stay tuned, readers!

Sponsored by America's Dairy Producers ...

In a plot device known as Chekhov's Milk --- (actually, it's a gun)  --- the daily glass of milk Lois was warned to drink (to guard against superpower side-effects) -- *gasp!* -- goes undrunk.  Now she may be invulnerable, but with bad teeth.  Or, ... something else might happen ...

Next morning, the TV talks to Lois, screaming metaphorically that Supes evidently doesn't care about all the effort she went to to make herself his perfect pound-proof pet.  And in a significant scene, later that day, he tells her and Lana about a deadly Green-K gun in a secret stash.

Anybody guess where this weird story is going next?  Remember that splash page.

Sure enough, a red wig will make Lois an identical match for Lana.  That's a great plan!  It's not as if Superman might use any of his OTHER TEN THOUSAND SUPER-SENSES to notice that you are really Lois, Lois!

And, "just across the state line"?  There's your plot hint, Gentle Reader!  Across the state line ... into The Twilight Zone!

 

Feel free to zoom in on these drawings of Lois-as-Lana.  It sure looks like, TO MY EYES, that these are not drawings of the established Lois face, and then given red hair.  No, those two top panels show Kurt Schaffenberger's typical Lana.  Subtle that I noticed, no?  

Evidently Lois' ploy worked, because in four panels we see Lana convicted -- OF SUPERMAN'S MURDER -- and given a magic chair ride.  Wow, don't Lois look positively DEMONIC in that last panel?  What's next in this twisted tale of jealousy and (so far) double murder?

See You Monday!

 

As They Say ... Ze Plot, She Thicken

 OK, so helpful aliens have offered Lois a super-invulnerability potion, and she quaffed it, all the better to woo her Super-Hunk...

The aliens' helpful use of a "Bazor Tube" (huh?) has convinced Lois that she is indeed unbreakable.  So she decides to get Superman's attention by blowing up the top of a mountain to prove her resilience.

Seeing as this gal's daily routine averages about three life-threatening situations a day -- BEFORE LUNCH -- you'd think she could have just waited for things to take their natural course.  Surely a monster invasion or an  underworld assassination attempt was coming due, you'd think ...

For that matter ... did she file an Environmental Impact statement before this act of demilotion?  Does she have the proper permits?

In 1963's Lois Lane #38 there was a story about Lois getting a Signal Watch from Superman, but it was only a temporary situation for that story.  At the end there is talk that Lois MIGHT get one.  With schemes like this one, she sure is proving how mature and responsible and trust-deserving she is, don't you think?

Nothing forward about this gal, eh?  She staged this thing just to prove her unflappability to the Super-object of her affections.  Now she's safe to marry!

Of course, a semi-realistic thought balloon for the top right panel might have featured Superman thinking, "Looks: CHECK!  Invulnerability: CHECK!  Common Sense: ehhh.."

So of course Lois's second action is to have one of those "I know something I can't say" tete-a-tetes with Lana, her romantic rival.  After this she gurgles her daily prophylactic milk dose.

The next morning, it's just a ho-hum day.  Wind gusts of 100+ miles per hours ... Joe's Pizza is cited for public endangerment ...

And then? and THEN?

Find out Friday!

 

Page-by-Page: Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane #59

Yes, it's time to start another Silver Age journey, this time through the pages of issue #59 of Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane.  Cover-dated August 1965, it came out when I was about to turn nine. 

.

We open with a great catfight scene, as portrayed by Lois' glamor artist, Kurt Schaffenberger.  Good grief, Lois thinks.  First I ruin Lana Lang's life, now I'm about to screw over the life of Superman's would-be mama, Lara, too!  Actually, she doesn't see it that way,  more's the pity.

And of course the males in these stories are merely arm candy, waiting to see to which victorious dame they'll be assigned.

  

But first, another treasure trove of possible hijinks from the Treasure Chest of Fun! (aka Honor House Production Corporation -- with a name like Honor House, you KNOW they're trustworthy of your quarters, kids!)

We open our story with a dream of every woman in love -- to see her romantic rival sent to the electric chair!  BWAH-HA-HA!

But first off, Lois sticks her pillbox hat into more trouble, requiring another instant rescue from Our Idol, Superman! *sigh*

 

But I bet any real-life superhero would LOVE to tell off his admirers the way Supes does in the first panel of this page!  If she would only keep her head down, his life would be a lot easier!

But, wait!  Some conveniently English-speaking aliens doth arrive...  Hmmm.... what strange names ... Gloria from Gossamer!  Of course, Lois being the self-centered gal we know and love, she has no problems in believing that a bunch of spacefarers would have studied her life in detail, and have decided that it is in their power to match her up with the single mightiest being in the universe!

Next we see Lois quickly guzzling some invulnerability juice.  Good thing the only precaution she has is, she also has to drink a daily glass of moo juice to avoid "dangerous side-effects."  Of course, HOW  DANGEROUS are these side-effects?  Will they give her Kryptonite breath?  Make her hair fall out?  Make her female secretions super-acid?

Surely nothing bad can come of this, right?

Stay tuned to find out!

(PS one tale from this issue was covered here.  But this time we're goin' all the way through, baby!)

It IS Revised and Expanded, and TREK's History Is Revealed Inside!

            You may remember my original review of this book.  In it I lamented the many proofreading and editing problems that plagued the text.

            Well, my prayers (and whining) were answered.  I entered correspondence with the publishers and the author (a great guy, by the way), and was able to help!

            We now have a NEW AND IMPROVED, Revised Edition of the book, co-edited by Yours Truly!  Yes,  TRUTH IN REVIEWING:  I am one of this edition's editors.  And I’m in harness for Volumes Two and Three also.

            I’m also thrilled to have a few autographs to go with it!

      If you are a fan of STAR TREK, of pop culture, or of TV production history, you will want to read this book!  For this edition,. it has been gone through from stem to stern, with additions, corrections, and straightlining of the text.  It was already a stupendous amount of work in the service of fans and history.  Now it is new and improved.

      I am happy to have helped with this new version of an instant classic!  Here is a website about the books:    http://www.thesearethevoyagesbooks.com/  -- and from there you can buy your own autographed copy!  Go to the “STORE” tab.

Happy Trekkin'!


 

Unhappy Notmas!

It's not Christmas or New Year's Day, so this is the PERFECT TIME for Bizarro Christmas wishes!

See you later in the week!

Time-Travelling in Retail

One of the fascinating advantages of an earlier life in the thrift store business was the chance to see outmoded ads and merchandising.

Somewhere along the line I glommed onto this credit application from Dillard's department store to use as a book mark.  It's served me, well lo! these many years.

 

Well, what distaff member of America's Populuxe crowd wouldn't want to be considered "Mrs, Modern Shopper," I ask you?

 

But look at the things you were supposed to supply to Dillard's credit-card approvers.  Previous addresses?  Current and past employers?  YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBERS?!?!  Type of loan amounts? Your Social Security number?

 

 

And of course the cards were run on a machine like the one below.  You got the card-stock-thickness copy, and the store kept the original, wax-paper-thin copy.

 

 

Were these more innocent days, or what?  Happy New Year, Big Brother!

 

Up Again - MA-35 - 45s & Favorites, Disc 3

Here's another conglomeration of musical memories, requested by Lacey.

The first track is from Live Peace in Toronto.  If you hear that album's performance of "Cold Turkey," like me you will wonder why anybody would put themselves through the hell of drug addiction.  But here -- we're gonna "Give Peace a Chance."

1969

1      Give Peace A Chance          John Lennon & the Plastic Ono Band
2      Cinnamon Girl    Neil Young with Crazy Horse

1970

3      Without You       Badfinger
4      Make Me Smile (single version)    Chicago
5      Lucky Man Emerson, Lake & Palmer
6      Let It Rain          Eric Clapton
7      Temma Harbour    Mary Hopkin
8      Another Day          Paul McCartney

1971

9      Free  Chicago
10     Vincent      Don McLean
11     I Just Want to Celebrate         Rare Earth
12     Tongue In Cheek (single version) Sugarloaf
 

1972

13     From the Beginning    Emerson, Lake & Palmer
14     Day by Day        Godspell Cast; Robin Lamont
15     You Turn Me On, I'm a Radio       Joni Mitchell
16     Young Americans                David Bowie       1975
17     Falling Star Karla Bonoff          1977
18     Peek-A-Boo!         Devo       1982
19     Hold On     Santana        1982
20     Goodbye To You Scandal    1982
21     On the Dark Side           John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band  1983


I ... just wanna be FREE!
  Merry Christmas!

 

Star Trek Exploration Kit!

 

I bought this kit at a model shop in OKC's Shepherd Mall, back when it was a retail location.  (For the past 10+ years it's been home to government offices.)

 

I bought and built it as part of my costume for our skit, "Star Track," which I mostly wrote.  The group was the United Methodist Student Movement at Oklahoma City University, which had a skit night every year for fraternities, sororities, and other groups to show off at.

 

This was about 1975, and I was Mr. Spot.  The silly skit used a lot of (rewritten) Gilbert & Sullivan songs as content.  My solo was, "I'm Called Mister Pointy-Ears," based of course on "Little Buttercup."

 

The biggest laugh of the skit came after I finished my song.  Captain Crook turns to Dr "Groans" McClown and says, "Groans, can't you help him?"  To which Dr. McClown snaps back, "I'm a doctor, not a voice teacher!"

 

 

 

 

 

This is what the set looks like in 2013.  The rectangular patch just above the phaser handle is Velcro to hold it onto a belt.  There's a similar piece of Velcro on back of the communicator.

 

At the top of the photo is the "medical scanner" I made for Scott Tyra, who played Dr McClown in the skit.  It's made from a cassette-recorder mike, with pieces of phono-plug connectors stuck into each end.

 

Someday I will scan or type up "Star Track" and inflict it upon a sleeping world.

 

See you Monday, for a new (re-released) music compilation of music that's better than a transporter beam to take me back.

 

 

MA-67 - U.N.C.L.E. Themes A-Go-Go - -Merry Christmas, U.N.C.L.E.-style!

To help keep the season festive, here's a fresh compilation of U.N.C.L.E. music.  Some of it is the familiar pack of different versions of the theme, or melodies from the show.  But, as K-Tel used to say:  But wait, THERE'S MORE!

The first grouping of songs comprises releases that sample U.N.C.L.E. themes as background to their own work.

The rest of the disc contains both variations on U.N.C.L.E. themes, and pop songs that refer to the series.  These may be about a character -- as in The Birdmen of Alkatraz's 1989 "April Dancer."

And then we have songs whose titles refer to the show, but otherwise the listener would have no idea that the tune is related.  It may be that the music was cranked out to fill up a kiddie record, or given the title as a whim.  But some of those songs are here, too!

It's a great privilege and pleasure to also include three special versions of Jerry Goldsmith's theme.  Track 21 is performed by The Illuminoids, a surf guitar band who will satisfy your soul if you want sunbaked rock'n'roll.  I've been talking with band member William, which led to my being the cover designer for their most recent CD single, which actually includes this arrangement!  (Of course it appears in this compilation with their permission.)

Another U.N.C.L.E. fan and friend is Robert Bruce, who graciously has shared some of his own U.N.C.L.E. themes collection with me.  These songs were promptly shoveled into the mix!  But Tracks 22 and 23 are live recordings of Bruce and accompanists playing lounge versions of a couple of U.N.C.L.E. tunes. 

The last track of the CD is an arrangement courtesy of U.N.C.L.E. fan  Robert Short, a graphics and design whiz who's worked on about a gazillion TV shows and movies.

01. Man from U.N.C.L.E. Promo - NBC, 1965 (0:14) 

02. Harlem Shuffle (live) - Open Channel D (5:25)         1983
03. Twiggy Twiggy - Pizzicato Five (4:08)  1991
04. Lucid Dream - Meat Beat Manifesto (2:12)  1996
05. Une Very Stylish Fille - Dimitri from Paris (3:17)  1996
06. Dirty Larry - Dimitri from Paris (7:25)  1996
07. The Legend of the Man from U.N.C.L.E. - Paula and the Jetliners (2:14)  1966
08. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - The Ventures (1:46)  1966
09. Illya Kuryakin - Bobby Ellis & The Crystalites (3:20)  1967
10. Napoleon Solo - The Jokers (2:40)  1967
11. The Man from Thrush - Parris Mitchell Strings with Brass (2:36)  1967
12. Illya's Walk - Wyncote Records (1:59)  1967
13. The Thrush Tune - Wyncote Records (2:26)  1967
14. Return of the Man from U.N.C.L.E. Promo - CBS, 1983 (0:29)
15. April Dancer - Birdmen of Alkatraz (2:59)  1989
16. The Rock from U.N.C.L.E. - Doctor QE (2:48)  1994
17. My Friend Illya - The Ulterior Motive Orchestra (2:53)  1996
18. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - Santiago Tamura (2:53)  1998
19. The April Dancer Affair - The Monochrome Set (4:23)  1999
20. Napoleon Solo - The Specials (3:07)  2000
21. The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Illuminoids (2:53)  2007
22. A Martini Built For Two (live) - Robert Bruce and the Mellowtones (3:41)  2008
23. Meet Mr. Solo (live) - Robert Bruce and the Mellowtones (2:14)  2008
24. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - Revolution for Dogs (2:38)  2008
25. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (live) - Tokyo Sexwhale (1:38)  2009
26. The Case of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - The Vulcans (1:43)  2011
27. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - Robert Short (2:07)  2012

Copious liner notes are also included, as always with my U.N.C.L.E. compilations.

New link, January 2015.